I used to think that the fact that I never missed my parents when I was little proved that I had a wonderful, stable upbringing. After all, my mother was a psychologist and I read some books and they all said securely attached children don't miss their parents much.
I didn't miss them at all. Once, we were all away, as a class, for two weeks, at 7 years old. At some point, all the kids broke down and started crying, missing their parents. I tried to pretend I did too, but failed miserably. I guess I always knew I was different - I thought I was callous and cold at the time. Then I thought I was very securely attached. Now I believe otherwise.
Pronoia I get the feeling that you are just now starting to realize things. I get the feeling that you don't quite believe you were abused. The thing is, when I look at you I see so plainly and broad as day what horrible twisted malicious hurtful people your parents were. Your parents were nightmares. Your father is a sinister black evil man. Your experience is and was not bizarre or just weird, none of your reactions were weird or bizarre. Your parents were hurting you and you were trying to get them to stop with all your heart.
ReplyDeleteThe thing is, when i hear about your experiences, i tell myself 'omg my problems are nothing compared to hers.' but then i see the similarities and connections between us and our experiences and behaviors, and i start to realize the severity and nature of my abuse. when i find myself making a connection to you, and i do, even though i tell myself my story is different from yours, i see that our lives are cut from the same mold. that is what i see in you.
Yes, very slowly, just starting. No, I don't really believe it. I sound wimpy and ungrateful and whiny to myself just for thinking I was "abused". I feel so sorry for little Lisa whose mother was a monster, and I'd like to protect her and punch that sadistic witch, but I see myself as a... well, a kid with somewhat messed up parents who still did COMPARATIVELY well, you know. Compared to what, I don't know. "Real" abusers?
ReplyDeletePronoia, I could have written these same words. For me when I was 18 and went to college and was the only one who knew how to do laundry, cook, etc. I was glad that I was so independent and this continued on after college too. I knew that my mom and bio dad divorced when I was 4 and that we moved A LOT so that must have added to how I wasn't so attached to stuff.
ReplyDeleteNow I realize that all this moving around was done for her reasons only and never considered what was best for her 2 kids.
Back in Nov or so I wrote a similar post about how I went to camp at age 8 for a week or two and all these girls were with the camp nurse crying and homesick. I never got it. ALSO all the other campers (and I camped in different camps 2 more summers and this happened then too) got many letters from their folks like every other day. That first camp when I was 8, I met a girl who asked her mom to write me a letter cuz I never got any of my own. I liked that.
Sorry for my own post here!
Thank you for your post here! :)
ReplyDeleteNow that I think about it, it was your post that prompted mine, albeit long after I'd read it and it slipped my conscious mind.
My NF actually wrote long, beautifully illustrated letters when I was away with school. The teacher was impressed. It all gave me a vaguely irritated and angry and humiliated feeling. I know now it was for show.
It is truly amazing how your whole early (and later) childhood experiences were rebuilt to mean something completely different. The memories are still there, but a psychologically sound answer was always found... until the bottom came crashing out.
ReplyDeleteI am sure your N Dad played a large role in creating those images in your mind, and perhaps your mom too, but I also wonder how much of it was a self-protection mechanism?
I was reading some stuff about DID - definitely the most extreme form of dissociation - but what happened to you is not completely unlike that, either. You (your mind) basically created parallel "realities" to keep you sane until you were ready to deal with all the shit.
Good questions, NLR. Excellent point on parallel realities. I've been thinking about that too a lot lately.
ReplyDeleteDID has one big difference. The parallels don't know about each other. There are blackouts that can last for months when you experience DID. Dissociation comes on a wide spectrum. Totally connected at one end, DID at the other. From your description you protected your emotions until a later date to process what really happened but you remember events. The reason I believe this is I am an integrated DID. The difference is in the connections you are able to make now. Dissociation is a powerful survival tool but really messes with living.
ReplyDeleteI actually remember very little from my childhood. I used to think this was because there was little to remember - we were a boring, happy family. I related very much to your description of your first session with Kavin - I could have said "My childhood was great. We went to the zoo and to the park."
ReplyDeleteI don't think I have DID, but I sure have detachem from and blocked a lot.
I've never really seen DH miss his NM or EF. Every once in a while it seems he has a twinge of "missing" and then it passes.
ReplyDeleteReally, I take that to mean there was no real loving bond there, no deep connection. I suppose it's hard to miss something you never had!
True, Jonsi.
ReplyDeleteI was shocked to read on FB that a wonderful friend of mine who moved far away said her mom, who'd come to visit, was going away now... and she said it was like a piece of her heart was gone.
I couldn't understand that. I'd never felt anything like it.
Well, I sort of could understand it... I really love HER mom. The thought of that warm, funny, kind woman warms my heart and brings tears to my eyes.
But I've never felt anything like that for my parents, either of them.
DH has those warm feelings your describing for my parents.
ReplyDeleteI think it is possible to find that kind of parental love outside of one's biological parents, if necessary.