Friday, June 10, 2011

Back in school

Last night I was back in school again. I hadn't passed geography, history, and math, and now all my subsequent education is invalidated.

This anxiety dream has been recurring for years. I recently realized it meant I was missing an important step in my emotional and social development, and this invalidated my whole seemingly normal adult life with my family of choice.

But it means something else too. I hadn't faced problems and issues I was supposed to deal with in the past. I just ran away from them. I left my father and married my husband, but I hadn't dealt with him in my mind. I just sort of tried to forget him and the fact that I ever had a family of origin.

Last night, one thing was different. Instead of panicking and becoming depressed because I was supposed to study for high school exams with kids and a job and a thesis, I started dealing with it. I realized I had new, adult tools at my disposal. I knew where to get information. I didn't have to rely on the teachers. I could employ a tutor to help me.

Growing up means I am now an independent adult who doesn't have to be afraid any more. I can handle it easily now because I've really grown strong.


  1. I love this 'can do' attitude. You are so right now that we are adults we do have more tools and resources available to us.

  2. Pronoia, this is sooo weird. I had the exact same recurring anxiety dream for years. Being in the halls of highschool at my locker with graduation looming and me not having completed the required courses. My N parents divorced and both of them walked away and abandoned their 3 children during my final year of high school so that might have something to do with. I will blog about narcs abandoning their children at a later date... Your analaysis is interesting. I haven't had that recurring dream in a long time but there are others. The damage cuts deep. It's all part of the trauma. Thanks for sharing!

  3. Yep, similar dreams here. Sometimes repeating my entire university program.

    It's an improvement over a previous series of dreams that involved trying to hit an enemy and being unable to land a blow, or trying to shout and being unable to make sound. Those are gone now.

    - GKA

  4. Shouting back or trying to yell for help and not making a sound!! Me too - happened for 20 years. Think it has something to do with being silenced my entire life. Very interesting.


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