Thursday, June 23, 2011

More fun correspondence

I actually missed some of the fun correspondence my aunt forwarded me.

It's very moving for me. Very. When she told me about it, she sounded more offhand about it, but her reply to him was so meaningful to me on so many levels. I realized she actually really stood up for me in the whole business, like my own mother never did. I realized she's not afraid of him, like my mother and I were. I realized my aunt probably actually really loves me. This is something astounding for me. I'm actually crying. I've never felt so strong. There's a real person who really loves me. Even though my father accused me before her. It made no difference.

So here it is. My father apparently asked for photos from my daughter's first birthday (which he didn't call to congratulate her on because I'd failed to inform him of my safe arrival). Presumably she asked why I'm not the one sending him the photos, to which he replied:

"I can only hope to get these photos from you.

Pronoia forgot to send me a message with only two words: arrived safely.

She will see when her children grow up, and then go somewhere, how she'll worry if they arrived. She doesn't understand that children remain children for the parent even when they grow up and become parents themselves. To them they are always just their children."

Yup. That says it all. JUST their children. Who belong to their parents and must obey them or face horrible consequences.

Notice how the first two sentences are supposed to be connected logically? Pronoia forgot, and therefore I can't get photos from her? Because, of course, I'm punishing her by never speaking to her again. Naturally!

She replied:

"Come on, N,
Whoa, you're heartless!!!! (this is difficult to translate - it's actually between "heartless" and "hard on someone" - in this context, it sounds like a semi-jocular reprimand, so I went with "heartless")
I understand well the forgetfulness of "children" because it reminds me of my own youth a lot. (so grateful for the quotation marks here)
My own children are like that too.
Unlike you, I never wait.
I call.
I recommend you do the same - if you worry, call her :)"

This is so refreshingly honest, direct, and sweet.

I couldn't help thinking how angry he must have been reading that. But there's nothing he can do to her.

The email I quoted in The Saga was a reply to this. Inadvertently, I pulled an in medias res on you. The fun part, in this new context, is his explanation of why he didn't just call: he won't call me to make sure we're safe and alleviate his worries, because he doesn't want to "bore" me, BUT he'll never speak to me again, because that's acceptable? More acceptable than "boring" me? It's OK to never speak to your daughter again and not congratulate her on her child's first birthday on purpose, but it's not OK to "bore" her with a short phone call? Does he actually believe he's fooling a single human being?


  1. He's fooling himself. He is the only one that is fooled. Took me a long, long time to understand that my NM actually believes the lies she tells. Bless my counselor for pointing this out to me.

  2. I LOVE your aunt's response! It's sad he won't actually understand it, because like Ruth said, it doesn't match what he thinks of himself.

  3. I'm not sure they can really believe their lies - my father goes all pale when he's caught in a lie.

    What he's not saying explicitly here - and knows he's really feeling, at least on some level - is "I demand my due adoration as her father and therefore her god and I'm offended when I don't get it. And I rarely get it nowadays." So he talks about worrying and respect for parents, but his real feeling is right there, just below that surface that doesn't make any sense.


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