Wednesday, June 29, 2011

I tore down walls and exposed dark closets to light

Literally. Instead of old, dusty, dysfunctional closets, I now have a big, open space, filled with light, which will be our kitchen/dining room/living room. And the kids will have their room!

I had horrible anxieties surrounding this. I expected the ceiling to come crashing down (none of the walls were supporting walls). I expected the neighbors to call the police (they're nice and I informed them in advance). Nothing happened. It's beautiful. The perfect beautiful home for my family. All we've ever wanted.

And it occurred to me. I was nervous about investing so much in our home because it's legally his and he could take it away at any time. But the thought came to me as I was looking at that big open space full of light. This is my home. It's mine. We switched, it was just an oral agreement, but it's valid, and I'm sticking to it. The only reason we didn't switch properties legally was because my father would have to pay a tax (I wouldn't, because according to the local law I'm next in line to inherit his property anyway, while he's not next in line to inherit mine). This is my home and no one will throw me out of here without a good fight. We won't move out. We'll prove that we agreed to switch. We invested a lot in this apartment. We increased its worth by a lot. It's ours.

Sure, he could still try. But I'm not afraid any more. If he does try, I won't just say "Sure, Dad. You can give and then take away, you can agree to something and then pretend it never happened, you can do it to me again, like you always have, because your name is on a piece of paper." No. I'll go to court. I'll get it all out in the open. Everyone will know who he is. He'll be exposed. The walls of his world will come crashing down and his dark closets will be exposed to the light. And that's what he fears the most. So, even if I legally might not be certain to win, I might not have to. He won't want to face the truth publicly. He won't send the police to have us evicted. That kind of stuff looks bad. He's a narcissist, not a psychopath or a sociopath.

The worst case scenario? He sends the police, we refuse to move out, I sue, we go to court, I lose. At least I will have fought for my family.

I don't know now what I was afraid of. The walls are down, the light is in, and nothing happened. It's beautiful.


  1. Congratulations on your beautiful home!

    You sound optimistic, but there is also some fear in your writings. He knew you were going to do this - I don't think any evicting threats would be triggered by this, right? What do you have to prove you made the agreement?

    You have all kinds of witnesses; do you have anything on paper? Oral contracts are legally valid contracts all the same. In many countries, once an oral contract has been honored for a certain amount of time, it because a statutory contract that holds up in court. How is the situation regarding this?

    The other thing - worry is a choice, while fear is a signal. The very fact you are worrying about this for a long time now means that nothing happened so far. Until there are real indications it will come to an incident (even narcs send them!), stop worrying and enjoy your home.


  2. Huge step PA. I read a book that calls this 'feel the fear and do it anyway.' Now, you are recognizing that the biggest tool a narcissistic uses is fear. Once that is gone they loose much of their power. Congratulations for creating a beautiful well lit home. May it be filled with peace.

  3. Good for you! I love this!

  4. Congratulations. Not easy, stirring up decayed matter and closed spaces in order to replace them. No wonder you were having kind of an existential Herxheimer reaction.

    Re legalities, in a normal business relationship this might be one of these times to write down the existing oral agreement in a letter and say you will presume your understanding of the agreement is correctly stated unless the other party advises you otherwise. But of course a narc will feel bound to "correct" any such description for the sake of pride, so don't know if this is a good idea... Just for the back of your mind maybe.

    - GKA

  5. NLR, we have dozens of witnesses and the fact that we've both named each other legal representatives in all matters pertaining to each other's apartments.

    It's like I have a duty to worry all the time. If I'm not "good enough" to NF and the worst case scenario happens, then I'm to blame for my FOC losing our home! The least I can do is worry! It's sick. There's no indication he'll evict us. It's just the worst case scenario, one pointed out recently by my FIL, who insists I need to be nice to NF or we can lose our home.

  6. Interesting idea, GKA. I have some written "proof" and many witnesses and the fact that we've invested so much pretty much indicates we were operating under the assumption that it is ours. We agreed to make the switch legally too, and contacted a lawyer, but he backed out when he realized he had to pay a tax. The lawyer would testify, I'm sure. If he tried anything, it would look like he waited for us to redecorate the apartment and make it great and then take advantage of that to switch again - i.e. it would NOT look good. We have pictures to prove what we did to the place. We have witnesses of the previous state of the apartment, including previous tenants, whom he treated horribly and who'd surely testify.

    I have no real reason to fear.

  7. Maybe there will have to be a trial in which all these things will be said openly.

    Or I'll write a story about one. ;)

  8. "The least I can do is worry." Yes. That's so familiar -- the narc-induced guilt that turns concern for the loving people in one's life into a weapon against oneself, through the feeling that love implies a duty to agonize on the loved ones' behalf.

    - GKA

  9. NLR, I understand, after some googling, that oral agreements are valid in my country too, if they've been honored and uncontested for a while (we've been living in his apartment and he's been renting out mine for over 2.5 years now), and there are nuuumerous witnesses both for the agreement and the fact that it's been honored for a time.


I encourage comments!!!