There's nothing to indicate I was sexually abused by my father, although nothing would surprise me coming from a narcissist. I just don't really get that vibe when I ask myself that question. On some level, I've always known I was spanked, although I have no memories of this. The same is not true of any sexual abuse.
However, there have been weird, inappropriate things. Like two comments pertaining to my behind. One made when he was describing to my 22-year-old self the "fleshy, well-rounded bottom" of my 2-year-old self, spanked, allegedly, by my mother. The other made when I was 10 and had come to him for solace when some older boys at school made comments about my butt. He replied, with a smirk, that I have a "nice round behind that boys will find attractive" and this was a disgusting comment to me at the time, especially coming from my father.
At worst, he saw me in a sexual way. At best, he was capable of objectifying me and coldly assessing my body parts. Women are objects, compendiums of body parts for him. Either way, it's sick and it nauseates me to think about it.
There's something else. My school friends mocked me once and said my father bathed me until I was 12 years old. I don't remember if this was indeed true. (I don't remember? Wow.) Anyway, there's something nasty about the whole thing - even if it was made up - why would they make that up, as opposed to something - anything - else?
I do know for a fact that I hated being seen in a sexual way, even as feminine and potentially attractive - by anyone. I wore hobo male clothes and wanted to be seen as "one of the boys" and only admired for my intellect. I still have a problem with this. I don't have a problem with sex and sexuality, and everything's fine when DH and I are naked - it's being seen as sexy in clothes that's problematic.
I don't know what this means. I'm just throwing it out there. Cleaning the basement of stinky old junk.