I don't know why I thought of my early childhood as ideal. Possibly because I remembered little of my entire childhood. Possibly because I was told by so many people that my parents, and especially father, doted on me, especially because they got me so late in life, an only child, spoiled rotten. Possibly because I believed and was taught that early childhood was such an important formative period and, naturally, I wanted it to have been good; I didn't want to be messed up for life.
One story my father told me, a story of a successful parenting action: they woke me up from afternoon naps early every day so I wouldn't go to bed too late and so they'd have their evenings free of me. (I always had a ridiculously early bedtime that no one believed). I dropped naps just after I turned 1, so I can't have been much older than 1. Every time they woke me up from a nap, I cried and cried (which is what a tired baby does when you force her to wake up, duh.) This irritated my father, so he spanked me. I never cried again when woken up from a nap. He told me this with an air of triumph.
I remember being utterly shocked when he told me that! Spank a baby because she's crying when you wake her up!? What sick person does that?! I told him I think that's horrible, and now I wish I hadn't, because he hasn't shared any parenting gems with me since, and I'd like to know more.
And still I somehow made myself think I was treated so gently and wonderfully as a baby!
Oh, I'm a better mom than that. I don't know why that matters, but it does.
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ReplyDeleteTypos in my first comment, sorry... here's what I meant to say:
ReplyDeleteMy God, PA, spanking a child because she cries when you wake her up from a nap seems particularly warped, even for a raging narcissist! Very very twisted!
When you say that you made yourself think you were treated so gently as a baby, I think it was your dad's extreme manipulation that caused you to think that way!
Oh. My. God.
ReplyDeleteOh, I have the creepy crawlies all over me and I am sickened. Just sickened by your parent's behaviors. Ohh. Man, I just keep thinking of my own DD and DS...to think of someone treating them that way.
Insides made a great point - about how warped and twisted your father spanking you was. I mean, my god, you were a fucking baby!! Oh my god. Talk about inappropriate, disgusting, warped, fucked up, and disturbing.
Oh. I just want to go back in time and rescue little baby PA. I would save her, I would take her far away from there so that she couldn't be hurt and abused and unloved.
How did you make it out alive, PA???
I'm serious about rescuing you. I would call the police. I would bust down your front door. I would go right into your bedroom and take you away from there and bring you back so you could live with me and DH and DD and DS. If I had a time machine...
ReplyDeletePS. This says so much about why you have forgotten so much of your childhood...it was horrible! It's a defense mechanism to have forgotten. To remember it would mean complete destruction! You never would have survived.
ReplyDeleteI am...just appalled. I hate hearing things like this. I know you need to speak it. Get it all out there! It's an ugly truth, but I think it is so important for you to get it out. (Not necessarily to us, just out, for your own sake!)
Jonsi, I'm hiding nothing and am very willing to get it all out, it's just that I don't remember! This isn't a memory, it's information he actually volunteered when I became a parent, as a cute story from my childhood! I can't even begin to imagine what he must be HIDING if he felt it was just great to SHARE THIS!
ReplyDeleteAnd I discarded things like this from my "perfect parents" thinking because they didn't fit.
I thought this was a memory! DH doesn't remember much of his childhood either. Definitely a defense mechanism. I am so afraid for you!
ReplyDeleteHugs, lots and lots and lots of hugs,
Jonsi
Thank you for the hug, Jonsi! I wish you'd used that time machine and busted that door open, too. Or your mom. She wouldn't have needed the time machine :)
ReplyDeleteTo me this all sounds like your parents thought of you as a human lab rat...something to tinker with:( I understand, fully, why you wish you hadn't told your NF how awful his behavior was, so he would tell you more of what he did to you as a child. I guess you just had a NORMAL reaction to his evil. YOU ARE NORMAL:D
ReplyDeleteMy former SIL, my GC older brother's XW, told me the last time I saw her, that my brother spanked their oldest daughter, because she fell off her bike while trying to learn how to ride it!!! Sound familiar???
My NF did the same type of s**t to me, my SG younger brother and to a lesser extent, my GC older brother. I call it evil. No Contact since Sep. 2009 with my NF and EM. I chose ME, when I finally realized it was me, or them.