Monday, May 23, 2011

My poor doll

I had a doll I used for horrible spankings. I whipped that poor thing into formlessness. I have no concrete, certain memories of being spanked, but the vague recollections of being beaten horribly with a belt, with the comics I drew of babies beaten and whipped severely, with the fact that I beat my doll into a pulp (and I loved that doll; she was my favorite; she was me) are enough evidence for me. I was beaten badly as a little child. Also. Whenever I heard of anyone beating anyone with a belt, feelings of rage, fear, and nausea would well up in me. 

Proof enough? I asked my father; he denied: too energetically, in fact.


  1. Poor Little Girl PA. This is horrifying!

    I can't remember, have you sought therapy to help you deal with all of this? (Please do not feel obligated to share. It won't hurt my feelings if you are not comfortable doing so).

    The fact that you have only a vague idea of it is proof enough for me that it happened. The reason why you have no clear memories of the abuse itself, speaks very loudly.

  2. Jonsi, this is how I feel about therapy at this moment:

    This might change as I get stronger - and I'm getting stronger every day.

    There are too many bad therapists where I live. A counselor at school to whom I related the incident in which my father slapped me in the face repeatedly because of a perceived offense, told me she also spanked her daughter and there was nothing wrong with that. There are too many people here who endorse spanking - as a very wide category - and too many people who believe the parent is always right and good.

    I read a transcript from a session by a NICE therapist I know in which she FORCED a client to forgive her mother for years of horrible mothering and utter abandonment in several seconds! I felt such rage reading this!

  3. PA. I think you very clearly expressed your feelings with that post. I totally get it.

    I agree, there are so many bad therapists. There are also good therapists who just don't end up being a good fit for you, because you just don't mesh well with them.

    Therapists are people too, with their own hang ups and dysfunctions. It can be really, really hard to find a good one, and the process can be tiring!

    Having said that, if you are not ready to seek the help of a therapist, then it won't do any good anyway! I don't think you necessarily need a therapist to get better, but if you're in the frame of mind that it can help then (after you've found the right one) it can do a world of good.

    Your last point in your response to me: about a therapist forcing a client to forgive. Uck. I totally disagree with that type of "forgiveness." That's not help, that's control!
    I think, just as with any profession, there are bad eggs. I totally understand your fears and trepidations. I also think that as you get stronger, you'll be more confident in your capabilities and you might change your mind about therapy because you'll be able to See if a certain therapist will work for you.

    Thank you for sharing! I value your thoughts and feelings.

  4. I'm already considering therapy for later, when I'm certain I've moved past the submit-or-rebel attitude towards authorities (I've submitted to nice ones who seem like they want good for me, however controling they might be, and rebelled against "tyrannical" ones).

    I know too many psychologists and therapists personally. That's part of my problem. I trust myself more than ay of these people. I get much more help from this blog and your insightful comments than I'm sure I would from them.

    I broached the issue with two professionals I know personally, and let's just say I wasn't impressed with the reactions.


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