In this post I was bashing myself for not living up to what I perceived as the ACON ideal: having no contact with one's narcissistic parents.
There's also the ideal of my culture - being nice and polite to one's parents and remaining in touch.
These two perceived ideals fight over me and cause me anxiety. As a true ACON, I haven't asked myself: "What do you WANT? How do you FEEL?"
Having allowed myself to imagine hearing the news of my father's death, I was surprised to find that my emotional reaction was one of disappointment and being cheated out of something. I'm not done with him. I don't want NC.
I won't see him until late October and we only exchange the occasional sms or e-mail in which he asks how we are, and I reply "Great". And I miss... not him, but the opportunity to grow stronger in relation to him. It may be sick, but I want him as a sparring partner. I want to be strong enough to feel perfectly calm and happy in his presence. I'm almost there. I find I've grown and changed so much since the apartment saga and he very seldom succeeds in pushing my buttons.
I don't even really believe he'd throw us out of the apartment, and even if he does, it's not the end of the world, just an inconvenience - we'll move into the one that he's using, which is legally mine. This was my rationalization of why I'm not fulfilling the "ideal" of NC. Because I'm not allowed to do what I want (in this case stay in touch with full awareness of my father's NPD) but instead always strive to fulfill every ideal that I can read between the lines of blogs and fora.