Friday, May 20, 2011

A Bizarre Memory

I am four years old. My father takes out a gun from a box. I ask him to shoot me dead. He refuses.

I kneel before him, crying, weeping, sobbing, begging him to kill me "Please, please, shoot me, Daddy!"

Amused, cold, grandiose, he keeps refusing. As if he simply didn't deign to grant me a wish.

Later, I find out that it was just my grandpa's starter pistol. But he didn't just tell me this immediately. Or say that it's harmless. Or tell me he didn't want to shoot me dead because he didn't want me dead or act as if his daughter begging him to kill her was a strange occurrence in the first place.

Why did I want him to kill me? Why did he react in such a way? I have no idea. This is a very clear memory, one I'm absolutely sure of. And I can't make any sense of it, other than "Darn, my early childhood was bizarre!"



  1. Ugh. :(

    Here's a big cyber hug for the four-year-old child you were: (((((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))
    And for the adult who remembered that memory:

    Those Ns never react normally, do they? What the hell.

    I'm so sorry.

  2. Thank you, Kiki!

    I know, the reaction is always bound to be bizarre and inappropriate!

  3. A four year old, asking to be shot dead? I am not doubting your memory, PA...but I must say that regardless of whether this is a real memory, or something your mind made up and is making you believe actually happened as a symbol for something else...either way, this is so, so disturbing.

    It is definitely not normal for anyone to behave this way, let alone a child! And your father's reaction is just as bizarre. Any parent who had a child begging for death (at his hands????) should be running for immediate help.

    I am so scared for you as you continue to uncover these memories. I agree with Kiki - poor 4 year old PA. She needed rescuing.

  4. I clearly remember this, and always have remembered it... but I just thought "Wow, I've always been such a dark, disturbed child". Never thought it said anything at all about my parents before, just me. Proof that something was seriously wrong with me when I was as young as 4.

  5. Hmm, the "something" that was seriously wrong with you was your parents.

    When I see children misbehaving, I know that in MOST cases (though there are always exceptions) the issues point back to the parents. There are, of course, exceptions to that rule! But I usually feel badly for the misbehaving children, because it means something is wrong and the real problem is not being addressed.


    Lots of heaping big hugs, PA.


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