Wednesday, October 2, 2019

Sexual abuse?!

So my previous therapist - REBT but wonderful - gave me the strength to go for what I think I needed. I asked a colleague I like if he'd do Schema Therapy with me and he said yes. I feel safe with him and trust him implicitly and Schema has jut seemed like a good fit from the start.

While I was still seeing her and felt supported I had a terrifying nightmare in which a terrorist was breaking into my office and he was going to shoot us all, me in particular. Towards the end it was my father breaking into my childhood bedroom and a voice over said "This means he sexually abused you".

Around this time I saw a home video HE GAVE ME (probably didn't check what he had there) in which he ZOOMED IN ON MY ASS while I was walking for several minutes. I was perhaps 9? 10? 12?

I've always remembered he mentioned my nice, well-rounded bottom, spanked red by my mother when I was 2, 3 (the whole scene seemed to give him pleasure; I know in my bones I was seriously whipped by him, what my mother did was small potatoes, but this is less relevant here).

I remember being 5 or 6 and scared to wipe my own butt because he insisted on doing that. It took great courage and initiative and going potty in the darkness so he doesn't know to claim my right to do this on my own now.

I remember being as old as 7, 8, 9 and having to bend over naked on the couch so he'd put diaper rash cream on my butt?! My mother was there in the room, I assumed it was just strange and eccentric.

My friends teased me because he bathed me until I was 12 - I don't even know if it was true.

I can't be touched at night, it wakes me up in a panic-attack-like state immediately. I'm also terrified of anyone opening the door and walking in when I'm sleeping or trying to fall asleep.

I don't KNOW anything, but my father is a sexual maniac who owns all the women in his life and narcissists will do anything to anyone, it's not like they have scruples. I'm disgusted by him and can't be touched by him and I KNOW there's a dark secret no one can know or else I'll die.

When this colleague I trusted to be an effective ally against my NF said he'd have some time in September, I had another nightmare. After trying to get to my childhood bedroom - which was dangerous and difficult - I was finally there, but my father was breaking in through the window and the voice over again said "You KNOW this means he sexually abused you".

I haven't slept well since and it's been weeks.

I let myself entertain the possibility of this and it let me cry for days - my thought is "Maybe this is where the love was hiding all along - I was supposed to have loved him at some distant point in the past, and surely just being hit or demeaned is not what did it in, there's also a sleazy abject element to it".

Also, why I'm so uncomfortable with flirting and being sexy and noticing that someone is attracted to me.

Maybe also why I was masturbating compulsively at age 3 or 4 already, including in public. To relieve anxiety, among other things. Not just exploring my body like kids do, maniacally having to orgasm.

So I guess my subconscious let me have a tidbit of this because this new trusted person who could be on my side appeared?

I've been TERRIFIED since, unable to sleep. Like if I allow myself to remember this (I don't, I'm not claiming this happened at all) then I know something I'm not supposed to, something that will get me killed.