Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Sexual... stuff?

There's nothing to indicate I was sexually abused by my father, although nothing would surprise me coming from a narcissist. I just don't really get that vibe when I ask myself that question. On some level, I've always known I was spanked, although I have no memories of this. The same is not true of any sexual abuse.

However, there have been weird, inappropriate things. Like two comments pertaining to my behind. One made when he was describing to my 22-year-old self the "fleshy, well-rounded bottom" of my 2-year-old self, spanked, allegedly, by my mother. The other made when I was 10 and had come to him for solace when some older boys at school made comments about my butt. He replied, with a smirk, that I have a "nice round behind that boys will find attractive" and this was a disgusting comment to me at the time, especially coming from my father.

At worst, he saw me in a sexual way. At best, he was capable of objectifying me and coldly assessing my body parts. Women are objects, compendiums of body parts for him. Either way, it's sick and it nauseates me to think about it.

There's something else. My school friends mocked me once and said my father bathed me until I was 12 years old. I don't remember if this was indeed true. (I don't remember? Wow.) Anyway, there's something nasty about the whole thing - even if it was made up - why would they make that up, as opposed to something - anything - else?

I do know for a fact that I hated being seen in a sexual way, even as feminine and potentially attractive - by anyone. I wore hobo male clothes and wanted to be seen as "one of the boys" and only admired for my intellect. I still have a problem with this. I don't have a problem with sex and sexuality, and everything's fine when DH and I are naked - it's being seen as sexy in clothes that's problematic.

I don't know what this means. I'm just throwing it out there. Cleaning the basement of stinky old junk.

7 comments:

  1. PA - I don't know what to make of the "fleshy, well rounded bottom" comment. To me it sounds vaguely inappropriate. Could a "normal father" make such a comment? Maybe so. I think a normal father could appreciate that their child has a cute bum, but not be aroused by it.

    I find it hard to judge this because I am generally grossed-out when men "ogle" me (it rarely happens because I don't dress to invite ogling).

    I, too, hated, and still hate being seen in a sexual way. About inappropriate conduct - I once remember my father whistling at me in an appreciative way when I was about 11-12, on the first warm day of summer when I put on a pair of shorts. I found this unwanted attention disgusting at the time, and I immediately changed my clothes.

    I also remember at the age of about 5,6, or 7, my dad standing naked in the doorway of my bedroom, silently watching me. I had just gone to bed for the night. I recall sighing loudly to indicate my annoyance with him, and turning in my bed to face away from him. I remember doing this purposely to indicate that I thought he was being inappropriate, and to indicate my lack of interest in his naked body. I remember he went away, and I remember feeling happy that he went away.

    I don't remember any other incidents. My mother told me that when I was very young my dad suggested to her that he ought to teach me about sex, because, he said, the parents teach everything else to children, so why not sex?. My mom told me that she said to him in response "If you touch our daughter I will kill you". Scary shit.

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  2. I guess "vaguely inappropriate" is how I see this stuff too. A narc's typical lack of boundaries ad objectification of others.

    I guess with this post I wanted to make sure I'd left no stone unturned. That there was nothing I'm "too afraid" to face.

    I've been doing some googling and I don't exhibit any signs of having been molested in any way - well, apart from those that ACONs also exhibit (depression, addictive behaviors).

    That's SO creepy about your father! We do share similar feelings - your father was a molester who, luckily, left you alone, and mine was a narcissist who objectified all females. They have smiliar ways about them.

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  3. ugh this reminds me of slightly inappropriate things about my dad that i've never talked about. i remember he would take showers with me until around age ...8. at least 8. i didnt think much of it but now i am thinking that is way too old. i just read online, someone asking if her daughters 5 and 7 are too old to be bathing with their dad. she said that when she brought it up, he dismissed her concerns 'as silly'. (that strikes me as RED FLAGS!). a bunch of people answered and some were adamant that that was inappropriate.
    i remember that when i told my friends, two girls next door, the younger one was like 'ewww! do you see his junk!' and i was like. uhhh. i felt so embarrassed. i decided not to talk about it cause it seemed inappropriate.
    now this bothers me. my dad would ALWAYS explain my discomfort away with this "but your my daughter. you'll always be my daughter." even when i was a teen and he'd just come into my room whenever (I COULD BE CHANGING! i have no lock), or sometimes he'd just come in after dinner and lie on my bed, staring at me or just lying there. and i'd be like, 'what are you doing here? get out of my room.' and his excuse would always be 'but i'm your dad. you're my daughter.'
    even my mom was all 'wth are you doing? other peoples husbands dont go into their daughters' rooms so much' (though i bet she also just didnt want anybody else to get close to me.).
    UGH this pisses me off so much. i think that those showers were INAPPROPRIATE. i DID NOT feel comfortable. and there was nothing i could do about it.
    the lack of boundaries is WRONG. no respect at ALL.

    that 'round fleshy bottom' comment is retarded. wth is he talking about. that is a really weird way to describe a baby's bottom. that is a weird way of describing anybody's bottom.

    i don't consider it that he was 'sexually attracted' to me. but i do think it mustve had some impact on my thoughts about being attractive. and it was just INAPPROPRIATE.
    i dont FEEL attractive and possible objectification scares me. good relationships with your mom and dad are so important to development...
    wtf was going on in my house!

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  4. okay this seals it. my dad is a freak. i remember my friends saying nice things about him. when i tried to tell one friend my ambivalent feelings about my dad and how i didnt feel like he understood me, she was all 'aww give him a chance. he probably just wants to get to know you better.'
    the fuck. my dad is a freak. he doesn't respond to me normally and never has. the utter inappropriateness and the oblivious insistent entitlement. he doesnt respond normally and NEVER HAS.

    how can both my parents be such freaks?!!!

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  5. i think the way this impacted me was that it made me feel like i was less of a 'woman' and less of a grown up. i felt if i was a real coming-up teenager, in all her glory, my dad would respect that and stay out. the very fact that he seems stupidly oblivious and dismissive to my protests of 'this is uncomfortable. this is inappropriate,' made me feel like maybe i really HAD nothing to be protective of. you know? that i was still just a stupid child, and any idea of 'sexual boundaries' was stupid. and i really had nothing to be protective of. it was a lack of respect.

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  6. Lisa, you nailed it in you last comment. The lack of sexual boundaries is one more way to make you feel like a child, and THEIR child at that.

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