Friday, June 3, 2011

I was only interesting as a little doll

They bought me a crib and doll-like clothes. (My father actually told me with glee about how a female colleague of his gave birth to her fourth son at the same time he got me and how she looked with envy at my baby pictures in which I was dressed "like a doll". I was horrified. I told him "You deserved the tomboy you got".) They bought me lots of expensive toys, meant for older children. My father controlled how I played with them, like he controlled everything else.

Then, when it turned out I wasn't a doll and had a brain and mouth of my own, I was ignored. I only see it now. When I was a teen, I thought I had cool parents. They never asked much about school or my life or my friends. I was allowed to come home in the wee hours of the morning and could drink and smoke pot almost with impunity. True, I didn't get clothes, or a bed, or much of anything, but I didn't need it. I went to the theater for free (student pass), read books, hung out with friends. I thought of myself as very lucky.

I have thousands of photos from the first several years of my life and none from later periods, except those I took myself.

Now I see I went from controlled and engulfed to ignored in a heartbeat. Being ignored was too wonderful to notice there was anything wrong with it!

It was only when I got married and moved away that the degree to which I was no longer existent to my father as a human being became obvious even to me and triggered depression and with it, eventually, healing.

1 comment:

  1. I understand.

    Never engulfed, but I, too, was ignored after a certain point. For me, it started when my GCNSib was born and I was still a child. (From what I've witnessed with my own eyes, NM is absolutely wonderful with babies. It's only when more intelligent reciprocity is called for that NM bolts. This fact has kept my own "spiral" spinning around.)

    Same thing with the photos.

    Same teen situation, give or take some personal details- my teen life was filled with confusion and self-destruction and depression kicked in early.

    Exact same situation about finding out what's what after moving away- that's what it took to begin the painful process of waking up. I was still such a glutton for punishment, though, for the greater part of two decades. I kept holding on to the illusion and suffering "shocks" (yeah, right, I wanted to be shocked because the truth I was learning was too much to handle) and hurts at NM's behavior.

    I also didn't know back as a teen what I didn't have (how could we have?) because NM was the only mother I'd ever had; life was life and it was all I knew... but now, also like you, when random memories of then-confusing or painful childhood/teen experiences come calling- they make perfect sense. Cold comfort.

    Keep healing, Pronoia, and thank you for sharing your journey in this brutally honest blog. (I'm almost to the top of it now, see? :) ) I know you expressed in a past post that you struggled with your honesty in certain situations, but I believe that it is this honesty (to yourself) that will end up being your salvation.


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