Wednesday, June 15, 2011

He's NOT my real father?!

My aunt told me something quite interesting at our daughter's birthday.

Her mother (my mother's stepmother) told her that my mother had used with a donor's sperm conceive because my father was infertile. Now, my aunt says her mother was not the most trustworthy person in the world, but there's still a possibility that my mother's husband is not my biological father.

There are details that would corroborate this. I was conceived during their holidays, when they were both almost 40. My mother told me about my father's fertility issues once - low count (that doesn't suddenly get better with age, does it?). They named me after her aunt that allegedly helped with the procedure.

It would explain some other stuff as well. Like how come he resented me so much and wanted to appropriate me so badly at the same time. And how she would feel guilty and thankful about him accepting another man's offspring enough not to make waves about his fathering.

I have no way of knowing except taking his DNA sample without him knowing. I can't just ask a pathological liar, can I? My husband thinks nothing good can come out of taking someone's DNA sample behind his back. I don't know.

I only know I've started having fantasies about my REAL father.


  1. Lady Phoenix6/15/2011 7:51 PM

    Wow. Just wow. Longtime reader, first time commenter. I can't imagine what this little tidbit of information is doing to you right now. I sort of wonder about the rationale of your aunt telling you this now? Especially if it's not clear if it's true or not?

  2. Hi, Lady Phoenix, welcome!

    She thought I had an ideal father whom I loved, and who was both father and mother to me since my mother died. She didn't think it mattered. She wasn't sure it was true in the first place.

    But lately I have started telling her about my revelations made in narc land. She didn't think I had and ideal father any more, quite the opposite, really. So now she thought the information might be helpful. Just as a thought.

    I'm obsessing, yes. But mostly in a good way.

    Can you imagine what humoring his wife's wish for offspring does to an infertile narcissist? That would explain so much.

  3. Good grief Pronoia!

    What a development in narcland. It truly would explain so much.

    You are living my dream! I always wished I was adopted.

  4. Ps. I hope you find out one way or another. Enjoy all the positive obsessing.

    Do you look at all like your dad?

  5. A lot of good has come out of taking some people's DNA behind their backs...lots of VERY HAPPY people have been acquitted of heinous crimes and released from prison after years, and even decades, of unjust incarceration AND the *real* culprits have finally been tossed in jail where they belong.

    They are no longer free to rob, rape and murder their way around the globe. I call that REALLY GOOD!!

    Seriously narcissistic parents, like your "father" and mine, deserve to be locked up for the remainder of their lives, IMHO:) Why should they be allowed to freely go about their sick business after abusing us for our entire lives?? It's called natural consequences.

    I know you're not talking about mothers right now, but since it takes's a powerful phrase to strengthen your resolve to do whatever it takes to protect yourself: "Some people give birth to their victims!"

    A sample of his DNA might yield a very good thing for you, your DH and your daughter. If he's not your father, that knowledge has the power to literally free you guys of him for good. You'd know he lied to you in the biggest way possible and suffer no guilt (as in FALSE guilt!) severing your relationship with him.

    I read somewhere that abused children are trauma-bonded to their abusive parents which makes it that much harder for the child (or adult daughter or son) to cut off the offending parents. You need and deserve all the help you can get to resolve this issue.

    No matter what you decide after you read the DNA test results, keep him or toss him, you don't ever have to tell him you did the test. You don't owe him anything; he owes you the truth, and a h**l of a lot more!!

    He sentenced you, unjustly, to decades of abuse!!! All you're "asking" for is a tiny sample of his DNA, so you can free yourself from further abuse and ensure your daughter never has to deal with him. Even a malignant N like your "father" would be smart enough and unselfish enough to fork over a DNA sample, if his only other alternative was rotting in jail.

    Think of it as you doing him a huge favor!

    You have the right to protect yourself. Having all available information about your parents, especially abusive ones, helps you protect yourself and your *real* family...helps you know who to allow inside your personal boundaries and who to exclude.

    I vote YES. Mentally healthy people are people that live in the REAL world. To live in the REAL world, instead of the fake one your "father" created for himself, you need cold, hard facts. His DNA would do nicely:D

  6. I often claimed that my parents found me under a rock. They couldn't possibly be my real parents. No such option. In my opinion know or don't know doesn't change - is he healthy enough to have around you and your family? If he is set on doing harm to you and the ones you love his genetic donation is a small matter in comparison. I learned that genetic parents can suck without rhyme or reason.

  7. Television shows often have people taking cups or tissues to test for DNA. If it makes you feel better, do it. It would explain so much about your relationship with him--or, more accurately, why he treated you the way he did.

  8. Lisette,

    That's so funny about living the dream. Well, sad too. I'd never allowed myself the "changeling princess" fantasy because I had the most ideal parents in the world already and I was the problem.

    Now I'm indulging in it for the very first time.

    I look nothing like my ummm (")father(").

  9. Jasmine, thanks for the encouragement and the vote! :)

  10. Ruth, the DNA test wouldn't necessarily change anything - it might explain some things to me and offer me the bonus joy of not sharing anything with that entire sick side of the family.

  11. Anon, thank you for the thought - I agree it would explain some things.

  12. Lady Phoenix6/21/2011 5:56 PM

    That makes sense, Pronoia. It's hard for me to give people the benefit of the doubt after dealing with N's.

  13. I understand, LP. The thing is, so many people around me tend to suspect the motives of every other person around me who tells me anything negative about my father - it's uncanny.

    My FIL even once implied he suspected a big conspiracy consisting of people who rarely if ever met (my aunt, my mother's colleague, my grandmother, my father's girlfriend) all badmouthing him to me for some strange reason.


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