My husband's away for the evening. He's a musician and has a gig tonight. This means I'll be alone with the kids.
For some reason, this causes anxiety for me. There's a burden on my chest and I can't quite breathe right. I feel sad and lonely and like I can't do anything now, because I'm paralyzed. I don't even know what it is I should be doing or what I'd like to be doing. When I was younger and living with my parents, on nights like these I'd go out and get the hell away from home. I guess the urge remains, even when the reason is no longer there. My husband provides the stability and quiet contentment in my home. When he's away, I'm all nerves.
My daughters are playing together wonderfully. I'm preparing dinner for them. The evening air smells of spring flowers. And I feel like running down the street, screaming in horror. It's like the world's about to end and this is a calm before the storm and the sky will rip apart any moment now and a demonic face across it will accuse me of doing everything wrong. Now and throughout my life.
Writing this down helps.