Sometimes I think I'm doing wonderfully now that I know what I've had to deal with all my life and now that I'm breaking free from the shackles of narcissistic parenting.
And sometimes I get absolutely horrified. I see nothing but an abyss of darkness inside me and think I'll never be a real human being, like others. I see myself as interrupted in my emotional development when I was born, or two and said "No" for the first time, or four and dared to play the way I wanted, and I think I'll never catch up. That maybe it would be better to get back into a shell and just go through the motions of doing things for my family of choice, because at least then my life won't have been completely in vain.
Yesterday my husband remarked that a reaction of mine (when I was upset and irritable all day and snapped at everyone because I wanted to be away from home and work in peace for 5 hours, and he said "Please, stay home, it's too long", and I stayed out of guilt, although I really didn't want to, but instead of saying so or just going or anything else, I stuffed it and then let it brew, and then when I explained it to him I pouted and shouted), was just like a two-year-old's. And it was. And that's where I might have to start with my development now. And my family might have to suffer.
And maybe I have nothing to develop from. Maybe I was annihilated emotionally as a baby, maybe there's nothing but darkness within. Sometimes I can really relate to Kurtz from Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness when he dies and retells his entire life, looking into an expanding darkness, as simply: "The horror! The horror!"
And sometimes I get absolutely horrified. I see nothing but an abyss of darkness inside me and think I'll never be a real human being, like others. I see myself as interrupted in my emotional development when I was born, or two and said "No" for the first time, or four and dared to play the way I wanted, and I think I'll never catch up. That maybe it would be better to get back into a shell and just go through the motions of doing things for my family of choice, because at least then my life won't have been completely in vain.
Yesterday my husband remarked that a reaction of mine (when I was upset and irritable all day and snapped at everyone because I wanted to be away from home and work in peace for 5 hours, and he said "Please, stay home, it's too long", and I stayed out of guilt, although I really didn't want to, but instead of saying so or just going or anything else, I stuffed it and then let it brew, and then when I explained it to him I pouted and shouted), was just like a two-year-old's. And it was. And that's where I might have to start with my development now. And my family might have to suffer.
And maybe I have nothing to develop from. Maybe I was annihilated emotionally as a baby, maybe there's nothing but darkness within. Sometimes I can really relate to Kurtz from Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness when he dies and retells his entire life, looking into an expanding darkness, as simply: "The horror! The horror!"
excellent post regarding the therapy issue. Even therapists gaslight, probably due to their own issues and/or their misconcepts. It is extremely important to work with a therapist who understands narcissism and trauma and neurological shock.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this, anon. It's almost a truism these days that if you don't want therapy, it must be because you really resist getting well. But us ACONs are extra sensitive to some of the stuff many therapists - humans, after all - do, which is especially harmful to us.
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