Today is my birthday. My father came over with his girlfriend. I was alone with the girlfriend for about an hour and we had a heart-to-heart for the first time.
She is being abused. Big time. He follows her everywhere. He suspects her of infidelity, daily, viciously, offensively, without any pretext. He accuses her of lying to him, not loving him, cheating with every passer-by. He hurls abuses at her, asks her who's been touching her, who she's been screwing all day long so she's too tired for him (after she's been guiding a group of tourists for 12 hours). He told her once, when the mask dropped, that he thinks of "his woman" as his property. I said, not just his woman. Every human being he happens to run into.
She understands there's something fundamentally wrong with him. She doesn't know if staying with him is worth it.
I shared my perceptions with her and validated hers. I mentioned "ego", "vanity", "profound insecurity", "love" that vanishes in a heartbeat, his inability to be accountable and apologize, his need to put people down and prove them wrong and crush them.
But. I didn't give her the full diagnosis. I didn't use the NPD label or tell her NPD isn't something you "snap out of". She seems to think she can help him change. I expressed doubt, but didn't feel like revealing the full extent of my knowledge.
Partly because I'm afraid she'll confront him with the NPD label and where she got it from (me). I can't see much good coming out of it at the moment.
Partly because I'm afraid she'll leave him and I'll be his main focus once more.
Am I evil? What is the extent of our responsibility towards the other people in our narcissists' lives? Do we have the moral responsibility to warn them off?
What do you do?