I spanked my daughter last night. I was so sleepy and she wouldn't go to bed, wouldn't put her PJs on, wouldn't brush her teeth the way I thought she had to, started raging and screaming, and I got angry and spanked her. I "had" to "win".
I've been apologizing all day. But I can never make it right again.
I'm so messed up and full of anger. She deserves a better mom. I loathe myself. I hadn't known I was messed up before I had kids. I thought I'd be a good mom, just like I thought I had great parents.