Friday, April 8, 2011


The dream I had last night - where the same Big Dark Institution that tested me and found me deficient and faulty and messed up also offered me therapy, with judging, labeling, harsh therapists - gave me another insight.

I could always relate so well to Kafkaesque Big Dark Institutions. The idea conflates the threatening authoritarian towering presence of my father with all his beloved Institutions which have always topped his hierarchies - hospitals, schools, universities.

On my bad days, I use the otherwise liberating knowledge that I'm an adult child of a narcissist as yet another piece of damning evidence against me. I always knew I was deficient, and now there's proof. I also approach the idea of therapy in that vein - something I could do to finally Become Good Enough. Another authority that can judge me and help me to finally find out what it is I have to do to become worthy of love and life.

In the dream, I get out of there. I stand alone in the sun, just happy to be free.

If I do seek therapy one day, it will not be because I want to comply to another Big Dark Institution that will judge me and fix me and make me worthy of my place under the sun.

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