Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Staying Out

The post-Charity-earthquake-tremors have shown me just how far away I am from healthy in my healing journey.

Today, I did something I'm ashamed of. Something I don't remember ever doing. I deleted some of my comments on a blog where a long argument has developed, an argument that has me feeling scared and sad and anxious. I deleted my comments primarily because I am still not in a place where I can say something that can be seen as taking a side in an interpersonal conflict.

I have liked different people in that conflict for sometimes similar and sometimes different reasons. But that's not the only reason I feel I must Stay Out.

I always Stay Out. Still. Whenever anything personal transpires that even smells of potential conflict. I can only debate and discuss general ideas. Never have anything even remotely to do with any confrontation about anything personal. I have no idea if this will ever change.

In my family, conflict was simply forbidden. We were to be nice, polite, and civil to each other at all times, even in the privacy of our home. Of course, the only way to do this in a family is to completely keep its members from being emotionally involved with each other. I'm still somewhat trapped there. I feel safer in my FOC, and can now even sometimes have a bit of a fight with my husband. Friends, family, others? No way.

I used to deal by not being emotionally involved. Now I've changed that. I've somewhat unblocked the ability to have feelings for people. I "even" have feelings for people in this community. It only makes my problem worse. I used to think, while I was still largely narcissistically defended, that I was somehow "above" personal conflicts. I realize now I'm still much, much "below" them. I feel like a child whose parents are fighting - helpless, sad, unable to do anything but hope it'll be over soon.

14 comments:

  1. My first impressions of 'right side' or 'wrong side' during ANY type of conflict are usually wrong. Because as soon as conflict starts, I get this horrible loud roaring in my head and my adrenaline pours into my body and I either run away or react without all the info. The info can't get in because I'm too freaked out.

    I simply have to PHYSICAllY stay away from conflict for my mental health, but also because I can't process the arguments from both sides quickly enough to form any kind of an opinion. I am frozen thinking I will chose the "wrong" side <-?? STILL IN YER CHILDHOOD MUCH?

    I think I may have joined in the fray when the Charity thing first broke, leaving a comment somewhere, but I too ran away from that. Some people are still swinging, but the fighting is too much for me. I don't have a dog in this hunt. As long as Upsi is ok and fine with everything, then the whole thing is over (for ME). I don't blame you for deleting and for Staying Away. We all have our safety zones. And for good reasons.

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    1. Wow, Gladys, mine too! No gut feelings to trust, no intuition - all messed up. I blame myself. I feel like a coward for not standing up for someone (I guess that's a Rescuer role I imposed on myself, in TA-speak, huh?) but I dread the possibility of being unfair. So I hide.

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  2. PA, once again you share yourself so honestly! It's impressive and brave. Although I prefer no conflict, my intense desire for fairness often takes me into uncomfortable situations. Add to that, as an ACON I have all kinds of anger issues and triggers. The best I can do, is to own my part of the crap I become involved in and hope the others involved will be compassionate and forgive me. As we've discussed, your family has conditioned everybody to pretend all is fine, and not to rock the boat...ever! My Foo, not so much. It's so understandable that you would avoid conflict.
    My lesson in all of this crap is to think more before I post. Being impulsive when triggered is really a bad idea. :) (there's a delete button for a reason!)

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    1. Thank you. I still have to find out what my lesson is. Certainly not to be more impulsive - my first reactions to people and events are so very often wrong.

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  3. I've read yours posts before and I've been impressed by your fairness to all posters. I'm not joining in the fight either. I think doing what is best for us is part of learning our boundaries and choosing for ourselves. That isn't selfish, wimpy or narcy or anything; it's choosing what we want to experience, which we weren't allowed to do as kids. I usually feel a need to rescue, but bloggers and posters are capable of taking care of themselves as adults. They can step away from the keyboard or continue on as they choose, and I don't have to jump in. I know someone whose mother and father fought constantly and it became a traumatic divorce for all the children. I asked her how is she so neutral with her parents, and she said that she realized what was between her parents was just between her parents and had nothing to do with her.

    Anonymous and Shall Ever Remain So

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    1. Thank you.

      "I usually feel a need to rescue, but bloggers and posters are capable of taking care of themselves as adults."

      Me too, and you're completely right. I have no idea where this need to "rescue" comes from - I don't remember being required to "rescue" anyone. Perhaps I wish someone had rescued me and defended me when I was a child. But adults who willingly engage in conversation don't need this. Thank you for pointing it out.

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    2. "Perhaps I wish someone had rescued me and defended me when I was a child".

      I've thought that about myself, too! What I've been trying to do in real life is concentrate my rescuing on myself.
      Anon.....

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  4. This is kind of a propos of nothing, but when you wrote that you felt like a kid whose parents were fighting and you just wanted them to stop, I thought about how when my parents fought, I prayed they'd divorce and I could go life with my dad. I pretty much figured my mom wouldn't want me (but she would keep my siblings) and I thought this would be a much better life for me, especially since my dad was hardly ever home.

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    1. Wow. Kids know so much. I knew if my parents divorced, I'd have a better chance at growing into a sane person with my mother, although everyone, including myself, knew it was my father who loved me and doted on me and was the perfect parent. I also knew he'd never forgive me if I chose my mother in a custody hearing. Of course, this was moot as they never divorced.

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    2. Oh, and could you invite me to your blog? Thank you!

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  5. I think you're awesome PA and I respect wherever you're at. I won't be running around trying to get people to take sides, what's done is done and people can make up their minds about it. That's the whole point is thinking for ourselves! Big hugs.

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    1. Thank you, upsi. You've certainly never tried to get people to take sides, and you've always been honest, authentic and open in your conversations. I greatly admire that.

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  6. I was raised with 'peace at all cost.' I am trying to learn to stand up for myself but I am also trying to learn I don't need to stand up for anyone else unless I choose to. My personal goal is learning to disagree without being disagreeable. I agree that bloggers are all adults, or at least they are supposed to be. :) Since it is a learning process, I don't always hit the right balance. I want to keep learning.

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    1. Yes, "peace at all cost" was the mantra of my home too. Which sometimes makes me suspect those who seem to be rearing for a fight, and sometimes those who try to keep peace and impose it. And I don't know if either reaction is authentic, or just a result of conditioning. Need to reflect on that. But certainly I must not take a "side" here based on narc-conditioning or rebelling against it.

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