I don't blog to gather a supportive crowd of people. I don't blog to complain about my childhood. Though both these have their good sides, it's not what this is about for me. I blog to expose to the light the heart of darkness that gets passed on in my family from generation to generation. I want to continue growing into a more authentic, honest, real, and truly loving and vital human being.
Communicating honestly with other people who get this and want the same thing is an excellent way to do this. There are people in this community that I have grown to deeply love and respect, although I've never met them. I don't want to name any, simply because I'm afraid I'll forget someone. You know who you are.
I don't want to feel safe here. I don't want to never be questioned, analyzed, reacted negatively to. If you point out my narcissistic defenses to me, I'll thank you for it. If you call me out on any BS, you'll be helping me achieve my goals. (If you, however, just tell me that I'm an asshole belonging to a pack of evil bullies, I won't be able to do anything constructive with this information.)
My last post really wasn't meant to be about taking sides - I wrote about my emotional and cognitive processes and reactions to different people. There were potentially negative things there about several persons involved in the conflict.
Here's, however, another interesting observation of a couple of facts, that does in itself differentiate between individuals, or, even, if you will, "sides":
Jonsi's here self-reflecting in an awesomely brave post.
Caliban's Sister is gone.
(Was I the last straw? Would she have stayed if I had continued to talk to her in a nice way, pretending not to have noticed anything I found disturbing in her comments and posts? Would she have wanted me to? I'll never know. But I know, if the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn't have wanted that. From her or anyone else.)
For what it's worth, I sent a birthday wish to Upsi's blog right away when she posted that her birthday was the next day. It was an olive branch. She chose not to post it.
ReplyDeleteI sent a comment to Jonsi's new post this morning, explaining why I went private. She too chose not to post it. Just so you know what's happening on my end.
For what it's worth, thank you for your comment. It will stay here - that's what's happening on my end. I really don't know what's on others' minds and can't speak for them.
DeleteWishing you all the best, sincerely.
I will be away from the computer in the next 24-48 hours.
ReplyDeleteBack.
DeleteJonsi just posted my comment. I'll assume the best of her, that she had a backlog to approve.
ReplyDeleteI can actually attest to that, if you're interested - I posted my comment on her post before you posted yours and it did take a while for them all to get approved.
Delete"I blog to expose to the light the heart of darkness that gets passed on in my family from generation to generation." I love that this is a place for you to talk about you, to expose yourself to other people who may end up criticizing you, judging you, or (on the flip side) validating you, sharing with you. It's a raw place to be and I think it makes you a brave person to be doing this. Thanks for sharing your truths, PA.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jonsi.
DeletePA, just standing here cheering you on, whether you asked for it or not :)
ReplyDeleteHahaha! This was not a "screw all, I don't care what you think" post, it was a "please tell me when you notice narcissistic stuff in me" post.
DeleteThank you for the cheering, definitely!
I really relate to your mission statement here and share your goals wholeheartedly, PA.
ReplyDeleteThank you, upsi. I kind of learned it from you.
DeleteI am finally catching up. I admire your courage. Your line "I blog to expose to the light the heart of darkness that gets passed on in my family from generation to generation." Shining light in dark places ends the darkness. Thank you for writing here.
ReplyDelete