Monday, October 15, 2012

Blame and Anger

Here's a confession I'm NOT ashamed to make: I blame my parents and I'm angry at them.

I realize these are negative emotions that are not entirely healthy, constructive, or productive. So what? They still represent great progress for me that I'm not prepared to relinquish.

If I'm angry at my parents, then great. It's the first authentic emotion I've had in decades. If something more vital, healthy, and fulfilling should arise and take the place of anger, I'm not averse to that. But I'm not suppressing my one authentic emotion for my parents just because it might make someone uncomfortable or "it is not constructive." I've been functional and constructive for too long.

If I blame my parents for my problems, it is only because I'm still drowning in the blame game. I was born in it. Only, I used to blame myself for all my deficiencies, problems, and failings. For being cold, selfish, and reserved. Now I plucked the knife out of my own heart and am pointing it at my parents - not even stabbing them with it, just pointing in their general direction. Perhaps at some point I'll use the knife to chop veggies for a nice, healthy salad full of vitamins. I'm not there yet. I don't know what it means not to blame one's parents and assume responsibility for one's actions and emotions - to me, it sounds like I should just go back to blaming myself. As I've no intention of placing the knife back into my heart, this is where I am right now.

Blaming and angry.


  1. Good Morning! I'm following that knife you're holding. :) You expressed so clearly my life too, self blame, trying to just be good enough to get that elusive love. That's what made discovering this narcissistic-mother thing so life changing for me. Finally I could see more objectively what suffering I had endured. I too had removed the knife in my gut for the first time in life! In my case, I had a spare knife in my pocket that I secretly aimed at my mother, b/c I knew under the knife in my gut, that she was somehow behind my pain. Her sadistic pleasure at my suffering and kicking me when I was vulnerable should have been a clue.
    *high five to your blaming & anger*

  2. Pro--I'm with you. It's crucial to place blame where it belongs, and to feel anger toward the appropriate persons. Anger directed inward creates depression. Our NP have spent our lives misdirecting our anger back at ourselves. Be angry. Don't "get over it." Your anger will morph over time, at different intensities, and do different things for you. Ultimately it will help you build the right kind of boundaries between yourself and those who do you harm. With no apologies on the blame front. CS

  3. Wow! This hits home with me, and probably a lot of other people! I think as a first step, these are healthy and constructive emotions.

  4. I've long held that anger saved my life more than once. It's appropriate anger, not the crazy-ass kind (which leaves me with emotional hangovers). It's a fire that makes me jump out of the cannibal stew pot my mother is intent on boiling me alive in.

    Don't be ashamed of it. Listen to it. :)


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