All the questions I got from you, all the things I've thought about after the first session, all the weighing I've done trying to figure out whether the therapist I saw on Wednesday was a good fit? Moot.
The colleague who referred me did so because I told her I wouldn't mind talking to her personally, only because we worked together it might be awkward. That's WHY she referred me.
Right now, my new therapist is sitting a desk away from me at work. She just started teaching at my university as a TA for the colleague who referred her because we were working together and it would be awkward... etc. You get the picture.
This is MORE awkward. I feel betrayed. This is insane! At least the teacher who gave me the reference would have been spending most of the time in her own office, but now I have to sit here much of the time right opposite a person I've spent over 2 hours exposing all my problems, deficiencies and vulnerabilities to.
It sucks. I feel so exposed and ashamed and anxious that I think I might go straight into narcissistic mode.
EDIT: I just had the opportunity to talk to her in private. It was a coincidence. She was offered the job AFTER our session. We had a conversation about the awkward feelings and now I feel much better.
Still. Back to square one or even less than that. Venturing out again and trusting sounds scarier now.
Oh boy. That is a horribly embarrassing situation, and I am sure it is a giant trigger for you. But remember, we are ALL broken people, even non-ACoNs. There is NO shame whatsoever in seeking help to overcome our inner struggles and the traumas of our childhood. My therapist is actually part of my social community, too, although in a different context. She and I belong to the same parish, and we see each other at Mass.
ReplyDeleteIt is going to be okay. Whatever you revealed during your therapy session is 100% confidential. If you have concerns that your close working situation will change that, email or speak to her and express your concerns and ask for her confirmation that anything that was said was private and would not be used outside of your counseling sessions.
Hang in there. I am sorry about how shocking this whole thing was. I hope your anxiety eases up fast. Take care.
Thanks, Maree. It was a coincidence, as it turns out. I didn't think she's share anything with anyone. My anxiety is more based on this thinking: when I act normal in front of her, she'll know it's fake, because in reality I'm broken and damaged, and then I'll be self-conscious all the time, questioning myself if I'm being fake or not.
DeleteI understand the anxiety. It is similar to Confession or spiritual direction, in a way. We expose all the dark parts of ourselves to someone, who then knows all of our secret pain and turmoil and even sins.
DeleteThen when we are going about our daily business, we act normal, because we ARE normal. Everyone feels broken and damaged at some point in their lives. The source of that pain may differ, as well as the extent of the pain, but we all feel that way inside.
But we go to our counselours and our priests and our confidantes precisely so that we can expose our wounds and receive healing from them. You are NOT fake. You are REAL and authentic and brave. It is brave to keep going everyday even when you hurt.
Hi PA,
ReplyDeleteyou'll have to do whatever makes you feel least inhibited in therapy. If that means finding a new therapist, that might be the way to go. If, however, you can separate in your mind the person at work from your therapist, in your own mind, she can keep them separate. That's part of their training.
I agree with this. If you feel you can be comfortable still seeing her, go for it. If not, don't afraid to talk about it with her and ask for another referral.
DeleteAnother perspective would be that most people behave differently at work then at home. Usually, it isn't fake. It is just adjusting behavior to the environment you are in. I met my counselor at a fair and I felt very awkward when I was introduced to his family. I can sympathize with your dilemma.
ReplyDelete