Thursday, October 25, 2012

Ready To Kill

I'm actually not afraid of conflict as such. Either I have changed in the last day or so or I had misinterpreted my feelings or I had temporarily regressed to an earlier stage of development.

I was afraid of being asked to "pick a side" in a black-and-white, should-always-and-shouldn't-ever, right-or-wrong-behavior ideological conflict. I was never asked to do this, of course. I wonder why I always ask myself to do this - perhaps it's safer to think in ideological terms than in personal ones.

Yesterday, I realized that I could actually respond to this conflict in personal terms, if I chose to. I could write a long post expressing my thoughts, reactions, and feelings about every action of every blogger in this entire conflict. And I could be wrong, as I often am. But those would be my personal errors in judgment that I could take responsibility for and own.

I wouldn't be afraid to do this and I'd be willing to accept that I might easily be wrong. Because it would be just me speaking personally for myself, and not taking an ideological stance - which used to be safer.

I almost wrote that post. I might still do it, if I choose to. No one's asking me to, for sure.

Part of the reason the whole conflict upset me was that I still wasn't ready to kill narcissistic parts of my personality. I was afraid someone would disturb them in me. But now I realize this is precisely what I need and precisely why I'm here.

I'm ready to kill now. Really. To kill my own inner narcissist.

17 comments:

  1. Wow! What a big realization for you. I know I worry about turning into my mother. As unlikely as it is, it is hard for me to accept parts of me that are narcissistic (although beating myself up is a "talent" I have).

    Thanks for sharing this awareness. It reminds me to not be afraid to look into my heart of darkness when fear is in my way.

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    1. Thanks! VR, I'm tired of chasing you around blogs! Please, invite me to your blog!!!

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    2. I sent you an invite. Sorry about the delay. I had to find your email address. :)

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    3. Oops, didn't know you needed my address. Glad you found it. Thanks!

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    4. Hopefully it's the right email. If you don't get 2 email invites from me, let me know.

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    5. I did - I just need to open a WordPress account first.

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  2. Hi PA,

    I have a confession: Yesterday, when you wrote this, "Today, I did something I'm ashamed of. Something I don't remember ever doing" I thought, "Oh no! Is PA pulling a Charity?" (I think that's going to become a phrase around here). I think she said something like that in her weird Upsi-bashing/apology thing. I think that originally, following the 9/11 of our blogging world, I thought that I wasn't going to be effected by it on a very deep level. But I was wrong and it has. So I read that comment and got worried that you meant you were out there doing strange things. But then I saw that you wrote on Cal's blog about why you deleted your comments and I realized that you were just trying to make sense of it all, like everyone else. And that was just your initial way of doing it - pulling out where you felt uncomfortable because of your fear of being asked to take sides.

    And you know? I think you have really taken a balanced approach by still feeling comfortable enough to leave comments where you want and still writing about your thoughts and feelings here on your own blog.

    Like Upsi, I'm not going to ask you, or anyone else, to take sides. I'm also going to try not to pressure or strong arm anyone into taking sides. I love that you are still reading, still writing right along with us and using the time to do some self-reflections. I think we could all use a little (or a lottle) self-reflection.

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  3. Know what? A little more self-reflection, and I decided I'm publishing that post. This is who I am and what I think. It's not necessarily taking a side, it's more of a personal revelation.

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  4. Maybe the darkness never goes away, we just learn to recognize it and try to rise above it. Try to, anyway. Easier said than done. I am smiling inside, thanks for this post - brave and insightful.

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    1. Brave. That's what I was thinking too.

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    2. Thank you. I find it's increasingly better for me to think I'll always have the darkness inside me and to just keep fighting it. I'll never be "clean" and that's actually inspiring and encouraging. Thank you for reminding me.

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  5. It's funny because the only real side I felt I was on was mine. I guess it probably appeared like I was on one over another. I certainly had much in common with others holding a similar problem with the whole mess. I guess that could he construed as taking a side. I've never been much for gang mentality, though. Which my mother never appreciated much and often put me on the outside.

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    1. You know, that's a damn good point Vi. That we can be on our "own side" and still agree or disagree with others. Agreeing and disagreeing doesn't automatically mean we're taking sides.

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    2. There's a whole post for me there. Thanks, VR.

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  6. I am learning that my opinion is about me. I look forward to seeing your perspective. Speaking up for our points of view is new for many and difficult for me at first. I am getting better at it. I am also getting better at not feeling I need to be angry to express how I feel.

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    1. It was so weird to write out what I felt, thought and perceived about other people. I've never done this in my life, I think. I'm just beginning to grasp that it really is about me, and not anyone else - thanks for the reminder.

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  7. True, our opinions are about ourselves. This has helped me lately own my stuff. I can say that I feel such and such and that's mine, it doesn't affect others that I feel it. Or even express it, because other people are in their subjective world of feelings and thoughts having nothing to do with me. So there are no sides, like VR wrote above.

    Q's Sis

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