It's weird. I have little energy for describing my encounter with him. I found I was acting somewhat narcissistic around him which may or may not have been related to his being more defensive and polite. It's all weird.
His girlfriend was here and she found it appropriate to use us as audience or protection to discuss her issues with him. Bizarre verbal abuse and pathological jealousy stuff. I said in front of him that the only way to counter his irrational behavior might be to stop taking it seriously. He said nothing and grinned in a forced, eery way. I might now be "audience" to him, which is good. He's on his best behavior in front of us.
I find, though, that I have a hard time being in the same room with him. For no particular reason. He's just a presence I feel uncomfortable around. I didn't feel like this before.
When I look at him, there's just one thing I see. Know those cartoons where a starving person sees a roast when looking at anyone or anything? Well, I look at him and I see DNA samples. I see stuff that might help me determine if he is indeed my biological father or not. And not much else.
He's just a presence I feel uncomfortable around.
ReplyDeleteawesome!
I find most full-blown narcs creepy and weird. There's something very repellant about them. It's as if their bad energy just oozes out their pores. I can't stand being around them. I usually gag when I read narcissists are charming and charismatic. HA! Not the ones I know.
ReplyDeleteThe "label" is NOT the person. Biology is NOT destiny.
ReplyDeleteDNA is exactly that.
Just ask anyone who works as an artificial inseminator......in the animal world or in the human world.
They "contribute." We "make".....our lives and our decisions with the information we have AS WELL AS that which we don't. Life is full of the unexpected and the planned. IMO, that's why it's a journey we travel, not a given or a "straight and narrow highway."
Biology CAN be destiny at least in one sense. In the animal world, when an animal raises another's young, this is considered newsworthy. In the human world, a child living with a non-biological father is EIGHT times more likely to be abused than a child living with both biological parents.
ReplyDeleteOrganisms are interested in perpetuating their DNA and the offspring that carry it. The young that don't carry their DNA... well, not so much.
If my father was indeed "caring" for another man's offspring, that might have just added insult to the narcissistic injury of infertility... and it would explain so much. That's why I'd like to know.
My sincere apologies-truly I was not trying to send an ouch! I was waaaaay off base here and I wish I chosen my words more carefully. You are a unique and very generous person and have me informed me through your blog in so many, many ways. Of course we want-and often NEED to know who our biological parents are if for no other reasons than to be aware of medical family issues.
ReplyDeleteI do know who my biological parents are: One was a MN, the other caught on a "rebound." My comment was clearly insensitive. I am not going to explain my thinking behind it-it doesn't matter. I hurt and or offended you and for that I AM RESPONSIBLE.
Please accept my deepest and most sincere apologies. I was wrong- very, very wrong. It seems to me FWIW your ability to transcend your history speaks to your capacity to move beyond your parents and their DNA. Your journey has given me hope, inspiration and lots to think about.....like learning to stop sticking my foot in my mouth or my hands on the keyboard without considering how potentially insensitive, hurtful or just simply inappropriate my comment may appear to the poster.
Mea Culpa.
Oh, dear. Now let ME apologize for making you feel like you had to apologize (us ACoNs really are screwed up)!
ReplyDeleteYou didn't hurt or offend me! I'm sorry I sounded that way, I did't mean to!
I was just being defensive and explaining why in my case it means something to me to find out for sure whether this man is an infertile impostor or not, as that would help explain our family dynamics and clarify things for me. I needed to explain this because I somehow feel guilty in advance before others for even being curious.
Isn't it strange how we're the ones always feeling guilty and needing to explain ourselves and apologize? Can you imagine this conversation between your NM and my NF?
There most likely WOULDN'T be a "Conversation!" My NM would not agree to even speak/acknowledge this speck of humanity as she is so very, very superior to HIM!
ReplyDeleteAhhh, (((Pronoia)), such a legacy, no?! Unless they met at some exclusive enclave internationally, their paths would most likely never cross.
Our's have and for this I am grateful. Thank you for your gracious response. You truly are a joy to me in more ways than I can describe. Let's just continue this journey together? And yes, I DO have a propensity to "step in it." IRL? I AM the one who walked out of the ladies room at a lovely restaurant trailing I swear what had to be the longest roll of toilet paper ever produced stuck to my heel, down the hall, through the reception area, into the main dining room traipsing to return to the center table while all conversation just *stopped*. You know that quiet murmur that takes place in the background of a fine dining establishment? Dead silence. Stares. Hands covering mouths. Heads turning. And me, totally oblivious.....wondering what was up while my companions at the table were open-mouthed and one was trying to hand signal to me to look down. I did when I returned to my seat and the smirking waiter pulled my chair out for me.
What else could I do? I removed the toilet paper from my heel, semi-bowed/curtseyed to the other patrons in the dining room and sat down while all I really wanted to do was crawl under the table. With my beet-red face. And the waiter continued to make a production of taking my "end" of the toilet paper and "roll" it up through the dining room, into the reception area, down the hall until he was gone from sight. I should also have been so "fortunate." Hopefully, "recycle" didn't translate into rolling it back on the roll in the Ladies Room.
This is the metaphoricaI "Story Of My Life." I still manage to step in it. I bow to the understanding and gracious! Thank you!
haha hmmm. i didn't think PA sounded offended or defensive. she was merely explaining her reasons. and i don't think you were brutish or intrusive at all, anon! you were merely stating a strong opinion. i thought you had a good point. but PA had a good point too, and this is her we are talking about.
ReplyDeletei can see what you mean about biology and destiny. i think this issue certainly feels important to you and it feels like that is the truth for you. but i think that the 8 times more likely child statistic isn't necessarily a causation relation as it is a correlation. children who are raised by nonbiological dads just means that more of them were in unstable situations and unstable situations usually means shitty people. what does a nonbiological dad signify? a previous divorce...meaning a higher likelihood of unstable mom...meaning higher likelihood of mom hanging out with unstable men...etcetc. i really don't think having a kid who isn't yours JUSTIFIES beating it and is there really such thing as actual HATE of a child that is not yours? it makes no sense.
the other thing is, you're talking about species. we're talking about...one species, within the human race. what kind of person hates a kid just 'cause they're not 'his'? who, in general, hates kids?! i know about 'fear of the other' but that is just absurd!
i'm not saying that your father never was angry about the fact about you 'not being his.' i'm sure he used this to dub you as inferior and disgusting to him all the time, got on his dumb little nerves. and i thought about it and went, 'maybe...hmmm.' but then knowing what kind of man your father is, it just makes sure that your father would have treated you shitty even if you were 'his'. in fact, you could probably turn it around to say that he could've been even more disgusted with you 'cause you were his and yet still failed to 'meet his standards'. 'no child of mine! my own daughter! etc etc.' your father is full of hate. doesn't matter who. maybe he hated that you weren't his. that was just another thing for him to hate. i doubt he would have hated you any less. you were, unfortunately, available to him and that is what matters. that is why he hated you. because you were, unfortunately, there. your father is full of hate.
Anon, that's actually a cute and funny story!
ReplyDeleteLisa, You raised some very good points and I'll write about it in a separate post as soon as it is possible to write that post without using conditional sentences all the time (If that is true, then I imagine he/she must have felt... etc.)
I should be able find out for sure relatively soon.
ReplyDelete