Saturday, October 1, 2011


I've been feeling weird and lost. Lots of stuff happening which I don't know what to do with emotionally.

My "boss" (direct superior as of this year, but there are other wonderful people there) has lied about me and to me and caused complications, but things are looking up and working out, apparently.

My father is apparently giving me the silent treatment again for not sending him more photos, which I'm enjoying and happily ignoring.

The narcissistic author I'm translating for has managed to get me to promise to finish his book by early October (he's one of those voice narcissists, darn them). It MIGHT be done by the middle of the month. He owes me money again, so I'm not TOO worried or guilty, but still.

I have serious narcissistic traits in my subconscious. Or so I think. Proof: My M. Phil. mentor is now the head of the gov't uni dept. I recently dropped by and thanked him for his mentorship. It must be because I'm hoping to secure a position there.

Except: I've wanted to thank him for a long time because he truly was and is an amazing, wonderful, supportive mentor. Through my ACON journey I realized I had a serious problem expressing anything that might seem like "sucking up" (because I saw my father's toadying too often) and I felt I wanted to right that wrong. And I don't actually WANT to work there, but he might have thought that this was my hidden agenda. I'm so screwed up.


  1. Well, yes, after you've lived at the mercy of a domineering person's disapproval, you might tend to explain the world in personalized terms and to agonize about what powerful people think of your words, appearance or conduct. That doesn't mean you're a narcissist, it means you have a certain set of survival skills.

    I think narcissists become upset on realizing that how they looked or what they said didn't make as much of an impression as they thought.

    For ACONs it's so opposite. It can be such a relief to discover that someone wasn't paying much attention after all, or that someone's actions were nothing personal.

    - GKA

  2. I worried about the possibility that I might be narcissistic so I found an online test. What I learned that being around narcissistic people I have a skewed sense of self care or anything else. If you felt inclined to thank a mentor I highly recommend that you do it and not worry about how they veiw your motives. I learned that I kept trying to second guess myself to try and protect myself from a narcissistic rage. I now accept that most people view a compliment as just that, a compliment. Took me a while to become more natural around people without narcissistic agendas.


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