People will let you complain on and on about your friends, lovers, and children.
But they won't listen to you talk about your parents and their parenting.
Long time ago, let bygones be bygones, water under the bridge.
I don't want to disparage, discount, or denigrate those who are suffering now.
But.
What is being done to formed adults now is something that is being done to formed adults. Formed adults can walk away or fight back.
What parents do FORMS their children. They can NEVER walk away because their parents remain in their heads forever. They can NEVER really fight back because they'd be fighting against a piece of themselves. I'm trying to do that now, but it's so damned hard not to listen to their voices inside me!
So, how come people would listen to me complain about my husband forgetting to throw out the trash but won't be comfortable with me complaining about my parents never loving me?
My theory is for too many it hits too close to home, literally. Plus the cultural brainwashing that a child has a skewed sense of their parents. (In my opinion, Dr. Freud did tremendous damage to recognizing child abuse.) The tragedy continues behind close doors. People congratulate me on having awesome parents. Once in awhile I wish I could throw up on their shoe to express my total feeling of betrayal. I still pay for my parents choices. However, my "black year" was the year that I as a mother recognized the choices I made that damaged my children. I was devastated. I made some whopping mistakes. My mistakes were different than my parents but I still made them. When I hear someone criticizing their parents, I am uncomfortable because I am in my own mind condemning myself for my imperfections. Makes me a not so good listening ear sometimes. As I become healthier, I am better able to listen to someone else vent about their parents without feeling upset by my own short comings. Just one possible perspective.
ReplyDeletePA, I can certainly relate to what you are saying here. Somewhere on this community forum, I saw a title "motherless child." I think this pretty much sums it up no matter what age we are. If we were "formed" as you put it by abusive parents, it shouldn't be a surprise that we are still reeling and healing.
ReplyDeleteOne of the saddest things I feel for CoN's is the loss of "who could they have been?" It might take a long time, but we can find ourselves and we can become better parents. We can also choose to be childless, to end the legacy and to help other sentient beings.
I am not a Mother but I think Ruth sheds a lot of light on the subject. "Looking good" instead of "being good" seems to be an epidemic. Hey, I think I just thought of a blog title. :)