When I was 18 and first started going out with my now husband, I wrote him a song that contained the following lyrics:
"I was at the bottom of a river,
trapped, bereft of joy,
sinking through the dirt and mud,
just the dark fiend's toy:
then a strange and mighty current
came - I could not fight -
by your Sun I was drawn into the light.
And on the surface now flow sparkling waters
covered with the Sun's bright icing
the Universe is a drop of pure gold
and life to me seems quite enticing."
You see, I was a dark, cynical, depressed teen. I hated love and life. My new boyfriend was sane, stable, and generally happy. He showed me it was OK to open up to nice things in life. To smile and love and trust. I felt a change and it prompted me to write the song.
My mother found this. She was concerned.
She wasn't concerned about the obvious references to feelings of depression, despair and hopelessness that I'd been having for who knows how long.
No, she was concerned that I'd made myself vulnerable to my boyfriend by calling him my savior, and that he'll now start abusing or controlling me. I lied and said it was dedicated to God. I'd also just found religion, and the song could be interpreted in that way, too, as can many love poems and songs. So she left me alone, although she wasn't convinced.
Only now do I realize how sick this is. It's OK to be depressed but it's not OK to be helped out of it? Really? It's not OK to thank the person who helped you out of it? Because you made that mistake with your narcissistic husband, and think everyone is like him? Or because you'd like to keep me controlled and depressed, so you're threatened by someone who actually makes me feel better?
The song ends on a note of despair, though:
"I am but a shadow
and I'll melt in your light
maybe it is best to
leave me to my night."
This motif haunts me. The idea of being a dark shadow with no substance, which will either melt in the light of love or, like the figure from Gnostic myth that I keep naming myself after, Pronoia, the daughter of death, devour all the love and light and still remain a hollow abyss.