I can't shake this horrible weight all day long. I'm feeling lonely and different and damaged beyond repair and unfit for other humans to connect with.
Today, my husband wouldn't let me have the computer immediately when I requested it, and I just lost it. I started screaming, howling, raging, hitting myself in the face, sobbing and punching the bed. His "OK, OK, have the computer!" sounded funny, because it was so obvious at that point it wasn't about the stupid computer.
It was about starting to react emotionally like a toddler. Like I was never allowed when I was an actual toddler.
My "father" revealed as much when my toddler tantrumed after not being allowed to play with a knife. I held her and gently told her "Sorry, but you really can't have it" as she shrieked and cried (she's very vocal and determined).
He was confused by my actions and said something like "She must learn that she can't have everything she wants, you know," and I said "Yes, all children learn that - by not getting everything they want," a bit baffled - after all, I wasn't letting her play with the knife just because she cried. But he insisted that children needed to learn ... what was it he said? Not to want things? Not to demand things? Not to object? Not to have desires? So they don't suffer when life doesn't give them everything they want.
That gave me the creeps. First, because of the obvious "don't have desires and if you do, don't express them" script that I live by that was promptly explained. Second, because he never said it and I didn't dare ask: how does one train a toddler not to have and express desires? What did they do to me? Did they beat me into submission until I showed no more emotions? Did they stop my emotional development right there, at the beginning of toddler tantrums?
And now, at almost 30, I'm a tantruming mess. A grown woman, wife and mother of two, at the emotional level of a toddler.
And that's progress.