Writing the Wrongs

Hello. My name is Pronoia and I'm the daughter of a narcissistic father.

If you asked me a year ago, I would have told you I was raised in a perfect family. Better than perfect. In fact, my father was so incredibly involved and loved me so exceedingly much that I could never reciprocate that or repay him. And I couldn't love my own daughter as much, because, clearly, I was a cold, selfish, unloving person. And I was profoundly depressed.

Also, when I was young, I was repeatedly told I was very talented - gifts I inherited, of course. But, somehow, nothing I actually accomplished was quite good enough or worthy of such superior genetic heritage. Especially when I became independent from my father. I was hiding it, but deep down, I was convinced I was an utter failure. At everything. While I was raising a small child as a graduate student and a university teacher.

Then I posted about a particularly baffling and hurtful situation with my father on a family forum, looking for answers. I was told by a poster to google "Narcissistic Personality Disorder". I did. Bull's eye. Everything fell into place and, apart from understanding so much more about my father and my childhood, I learned a lot about why I was who I thought I was. When I realized the evil, critical, anxiety-ridden, but also conceited, vain, and envious little voice inside my head wasn't really mine, but my father's, it was almost instantly gone and I started going through profound changes.

This is why I've created this blog. I don't think there can be too much information about the many faces of the same beast, the many heads of the hydra that is narcissism, out there in the world of the internet. I took a course in psychology, and I never would have taken my father for a narcissist with just the standard textbook information. A narcissist openly admires himself, right? Who imagines a narcissist spending time with his adoring little daughter and taking her to all her extra-curricular activities and to the doctor's and talking about her symptoms and bragging about her to all the teachers?

Without the information and validation and support I found, I would have spent my whole life as an anxious, guilt-ridden, depressed shell of a person. The information and support I found helped me realize I wasn't the shell - there was something REAL inside, and the shell burst. I'd adopted some traits resembling those of a narcissist to cope and survive, but, unlike the narcissist, I didn't need them. I wasn't hollow at the core. I unblocked my emotions and discovered I truly love - my husband, my children, my neighbors, yes, even my father, although now I know HE's the one who is incapable of loving ME back.

And it doesn't matter. The point is to love, truly and really and humanly, seeing others as truly OTHERS, and not a reflection of ourselves, which is why I took "Agape" as my "surname".

"Pronoia" has been my alias since the first time I came across an old Gnostic myth that deeply resonated with me for some reason. I think now I understand the reason. Pronoia, the daughter of Death, hollow and dark at the core, falls in love with Heavenly Adam, a creature of light, but all his light and love cannot begin to fill the abyss of darkness that is her soul, so they part. That was me, or so I thought.

Now I don't. "Pronoia" also means "Providence" and I think divine providence is guiding me in all these discoveries and changes. Thanks to the internet and other people's blogs.

I will be writing about the wrongs done to me, not out of anger, but as a source of information on what it is that narcissism does to families, as a source of validation and a reminder that it isn't right, and as a way to RIGHT those wrongs - to behave to others differently, to think differently, and to parent differently.

I will also be asking questions and strongly encouraging comments. I want to know what others in my position do to reclaim their true selves and feel their real emotions. I want to know how you are dealing with the narcissists in your lives. I want to know what you are doing to be a different kind of parent. Please stop by and comment. We need each others' support and validation, as so many around us don't understand - aren't our parents such charming, lovable people? It must be us.