I've been very busy lately doing a simultaneous/consecutive interpreting gig at a seminar. I leave home at 8AM and come back around 6PM and have very little free time and am tired when I do, which is why I haven't been writing here regularly. You understand, don't you?
See, my father refuses to. He intentionally and maliciously refuses to. Because he wants photos from our seaside vacation! Several days ago, he asked for our photos. I have a feeling that having our photos is a control/ownership issue for him, but there's not enough rational reasoning to not let him have any at all, so I sent him 9 photos.
Then he asked for more in an email, saying he was so lonely and missed us so much. The next day, he texted me with the same request. I replied that I'm not even at home and that I'm working all day, every day. He then wrote to request that my husband send him more photos, just so he could see our dear faces during his lonely days. This nauseated me, but I sent two more. Then another sickeningly sweet plea for photos came. Now I waited a little, and then sent two obviously bad photos, hoping he'd understand the message - this is basically all you're getting, and I'm just barely being polite now.
Our Internet package means sending just one photo takes several minutes during which time you can't surf. So, it's a real time commitment. Also, but I didn't tell him this, there are pictures I'm simply not giving him. I sent him official, posed family shots, which I don't mind sharing with anyone. I'm not sending the really cute, real ones of my kids.
Then I received yet another email today! He's sure we're very busy. But surely we could find time to send him more! And he's certain we have more pictures than we sent him!
How pushy can you be? How can't you get that enough's enough?
My husband says this is now just insane behavior and I should just ignore him. I'm kind of scared to just ignore him, because I know that will piss him off more than anything. I don't want to justify not sending any more, either, because I don't have an obligation to share our photos with him. I'm considering sending him a photo of our car or the view from our balcony, but it might be too much tongue-in-cheek, especially since he'll probably see the photos eventually.
Suggestions? How does one communicate to a narcissist that enough's enough without being rude?
I think you already have your answer on No No Contact post:
ReplyDelete"I was able to draw some important boundaries and it appears that my father sees his narcissistic mother, who he was terrified of, in me, and will behave himself if confronted."
Time to show him his own NM! ;)
Hey, I totally forgot that! Wow! Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI keep reverting to the role of a potentially rude, unkind, guilty daughter. I don't want to send more pictures. But I don't know how to politely make this clearer than it already should be.
Now. Just flirting with this makes me feel so very guilty. But: how would my evil narcissistic grandma handle this? I'll think about it...
Persistent photo requests to that extent are creepy. Yes, you are entitled to use the mother-voice. Or to ignore him.
ReplyDelete- GKA
I had a fascinating discovery this year. What seems rude to me goes clear over the narcissistics head. However, what I believe is reasonable, sends them off thinking I am the rudest person in the world. I am learning to say, 'No, not right now.' I was calm. I was clear. I didn't add more. My definition of polite is what I do now. When pressed for a time commitment my reply is calm, 'I don't know when.' The image I use now is how would I handle a 3 year old having a temper tantrum. Since the 3 year old's goal is to get what they want, calmly denying is what I feel comfortable doing. I am liking this way of treating NM and fortunately it is working for me. She is not happy but I am not trying to 'make' her happy any more. Good luck because I know others that have not had the same results with saying no to a parent used to getting their way.
ReplyDeletePS I really understand. Glad to know you are busy and OK. Looking forward to hearing more when you are more relaxed and less busy. :)
GKA, thanks. Yes, very creepy. So far, I've just been ignoring him but my conditioning makes me feel guilty for being so rude.
ReplyDeleteRuth, I know! I have discovered the same thing, but have a hard time saying "Not right now"! I just agreed to an insanely short deadline because the narcissistic author I'm translating the book for guilted me into it. Thank you for the kind comment.
ReplyDeleteyou are not being rude. HE is being rude. and an ass. and many other things. being annoyed or angered or frustrated by someone who is so annoying, angering, frustrating and evil is not being rude. really, at this point, i don't care what you say or do or whatever to him, it's his fucking fault.
ReplyDelete