The tissues on the desk in my therapist's office annoy me. You think I'm gonna cry? No way. I'm tough.
When he says I had a very difficult childhood and many painful events in my past, I don't trust him to mean it. I'm wondering if he's being sarcastic, as in "Oh, poor you. You whiny brat." (I brought it up at the end of the session and he was able to convince me he definitely means it; that almost made me cry.)
Being vulnerable in front of others is dangerous and stupid. If you admit to any hurt feelings, ever, you will be attacked where it hurts AND you will be called ungrateful, whiny, and weak.
When you're hurt by someone, what you do is grit your teeth, clench your whole body, and bear it and just wait for it to be over. You don't even admit it hurts. You don't give them that pleasure.
My therapist asked me if I was aware of an interesting defense I had: whenever I talk about painful experiences, I smile and laugh. I wasn't aware of it. And I didn't mind I had it. I kind of thought that was cool. I'm aware, rationally, that this is messed up and actually weak, but I don't think I can help feeling this way. I don't even remember talking about painful experiences - just things my parents did. I didn't feel any pain.
I would loathe and disgust myself if I were to break down and cry before this father figure - not that I'm tempted to.
My husband is the only one I can cry in front of - and I loathe and disgust myself for that, too.
Loved this. It's so true! I feel terrible for crying, even if it's in my counselor's office. Hate those tissues, too. As if tissues could cover all the tears I'd let out if I really opened up! I also dodge dealing with crap by laughing about it, at the sheer ridiculousness of the abuse from the N's. If I didn't laugh, I'd cry and I hate to do that, too! You're not alone.
ReplyDelete-Gracie
Yes, the ridiculousness of it is truly funny. Thank you. Love your blog, by the way.
DeleteI go to great lengths not to cry, especially not in front of someone else. I reattached my emotions, I finally cried in front of my counselor, and it was not the end of the world; also he didn't take advantage of my sorrow. It was OK but I still don't cry much. Training goes too deep and I am rewarded for containing my emotions. Learning balance is an interesting adventure. By the way, it is more common than you think to use smiles and laughter to cover pain and protect your inner self. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Ruth. I can now feel a general sadness about lack of love and cry about that some, but I still have no tears for my parents. I don't remember a time when I did.
DeleteI despise crying. I've been doing if for the last few days. In corners mostly. But I'm leaking at other times.
ReplyDeleteMy therapist, who I haven't seen in a few years, never pushed me to cry though. I would've never gone back if he did. My mother cried for attention, so when I cry, feel like a fake if there's an audience.
Yes, I leak at times when I'm alone. It's more like a general sadness that comes from a lack of love than crying over particular moments.
DeleteMy father never cried. I feel hysterical, weak and stupid when I cry.