After I learned that I had messed both my children up, my husband was annoyed that I wouldn't stop biting my nails and cuticles, which were swollen and bloody.
So I screamed that biting my nails is just a defense from what I'd really like to do, and that's cut myself, stab myself, kill myself, really hurt myself. Then I slapped myself and punched myself in the face.
Then I shut myself in the bathroom and sobbed uncontrollably for two hours because no one has ever loved me and no one could, because if they feel something for me it's because they don't know the darkness in me, and my husband will never truly understand me and if he does he'll be disgusted at how weak and evil and empty I am, and yes, my children love me, because they're naive and innocent, but they shouldn't, they'd be better off without me.
I know none of this is true. But I feel it now and don't know what to do about it. Telling myself it isn't true doesn't really help.
I'm not sure where to go from here. Now I'm just down. Maybe up is next, maybe what's next is digging downwards through rock bottom.
PA, I hope you are over your dark spell. I understand what it's like to be in the black hole. And trust me, you are a good mother. A bad mother wouldn't ever worry she was bad. It's the good mothers who worry and and fret that we're not doing it right. Don't let that horrible woman at that agency get to you; some people are jerks, especially when they get a tiny bit of power.
ReplyDeleteAnd repeat to yourself, as needed: I am loveable. I am worthy of love.
<> Lady Phoenix
Thank you, LP.
DeleteI know it's been two years, but LP is sooooo extremely right ! ! ! ! ... That you have self-reflection and so passionately WANT to be a good mother is a redeeming grace in fullness of redeeming grace. You are a good person and good mother. Your child will know this.
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