Saturday, November 3, 2012

Halloween Special

On Halloween, I saw my NF for the first time again after over 6 months of Extremely Low Contact. How appropriate.

He goes away for 6 months out of each year with his girlfriend. During the time they're away, we might exchange a short, meaningless text message every couple of weeks or so. Thankfully, he very obviously doesn't care about (fully controlling) me or my family per se. It might be because he found a new victim, or because my husband frightens him, or because we're not really giving him what he wants.

When he's in town, however, he's all over the map. Sometimes, he'll call almost every day. Then he won't call for a long time. (I never call him.) He'll often call when I'm away and question DH about my work schedule - we're both deliberately vague about it, just because he seems so obsessed with knowing it (I now believe he has some OCPD traits along with serious NPD ones).  When his girlfriend doesn't have her language lessons near our home, they barely ever visit, and have invited us to their place exactly twice. When she has her lessons is the only time our lives get disturbed, as he jealously has to drive her to and from these classes, just so she doesn't cheat on her way home. So he waits in our home. He just calls and informs us he'll come later "to see us," or he just drops by. It hasn't come to that yet this year. Last year, she only had these classes for a couple of months anyway, so we saw him perhaps a dozen times in those 6 months.

Every year, I react to his return and his potential droppings-in differently. Two years ago, after I'd just discovered NPD, I was still both scared of him and very argumentative around him. A year ago, when I thought he wasn't my biological father, I allowed myself to also feel physically revolted by him, and found it draining to even be in the same room with him.

This year, I find so much has changed. I feel merely amused around him. Like Jane Goodall around the chimps - or insert a less offensive analogy here depicting a person interested in others' behavior on a detached, scientific basis.

Earlier, I wouldn't accept anything from him. I didn't want to owe him anything. This year, he bought us all expensive shoes. I don't know why - possibly the rush of being able to tell the shop assistant "It's all on me. Don't worry about the price." I said "Thank you" and that was it. It's his choice, his idea, it has little to do with me and I don't owe him anything. I feel like I'm doing him a favor - I'm allowing him to express in the only way possible to him what he mistakenly believes is love.

Of course, I also believe I'm a cold, cruel bitch, who still can't find it in herself to feel anything for this man or his late wife, my mother. Maybe a twinge of sadness, a bit of irritation, a touch of nausea, at best. This is what I'll be seeking therapy for. There's got to be REAL sadness and anger there, right? REAL grief at love not received that I must have felt at least as a child? Love for one's parents that I hope I felt as a child - or I'm a psychopath/sociopath.

I've been thinking about No Contact again, and how, in my case, I can't even see how it could ever come to that. There's no honesty, no sharing, no openness, no confrontation, no drama, no ACTUAL contact between us. Cold civilities for the last decade or so. (He's not even capable of pretending there's more - he doesn't know the language required for this pretense.) Much, much less since I found out about NPD and stopped getting angry and defensive and argumentative around him.

I no longer feel guilty for not going NC. This ACON blogging thing is NOT about satisfying the criteria for an elite social club. It's about expressing my reality and knowing there might be BS in there, but still exposing it to everyone out there.

13 comments:

  1. Wonderful post, Pronoia! You're amazingly open and honest, and I especially like how you've nailed it that although we have such similarities in our parents, our actual 'paths' are quite diverse and personal.

    Your blog is really helpful to others because you are so transparent and courageous about your life and your thoughts.

    I also think it's awesome that you have decided to NOT feel guilty for NOT going NC. Based on the poll I did on my blog, it's almost a 50/50 split for NC/LC. So there certainly isn't just 'one solution' to many problems.

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    1. Thank you! It's your poll that opened my eyes to this and that it's really OK to do what I feel is the most wise and prudent course of action for myself and my family at this moment.

      P.S. I was going to answer your questions on being suicidal/PPD on your blog, and then thought I'd write a whole post on it instead, and I don't exactly look forward to going there, but I promise I'll do it, and soon.

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    2. Oh - no, please don't assuage my curiosity if it's something you don't want to revisit!!!! :-) It's not that important to me - take care of yourself, PA! That's the most important thing of all! ;-)

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    3. I just posted on the LC/NC decision, and the different 'styles' of NParents: http://aconsociety.blogspot.ca/2012/11/ignored-then-engulfed-then-ignored-then.html

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    4. I do believe it's something I need to revisit.

      Great post, just read it! I think you nailed it - I wonder if there's any published research on the correlation between style of narcissistic parents and the incidence of NC in aware ACoNs. If not, go for it! ;)

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  2. PA, I get the feeling you've come a long way in your journey. I think that everyone has to make the choice about whether they want to go NC or not (and for some that choice was made for them by their parents). And I also don't think it's an all or nothing thing. You can always go NC in the future if you feel you need to, or not. You need to do what YOU need to do and I support you in that.

    You were one of the first people to write me on my blog and shored up me feeling OK about not going NC, and I appreciate that. For me, NC with my in-laws isn't even a choice. So, I'll have to deal with it the best I can. I, personally, like your "Jane Goodall with the Chimps" analogy. That seems like a very fitting description for my situation too.

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    1. Thank you. I'm finally starting to let go of the all-or-nothing black-and-white thinking. It's a real challenge for me.

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  3. Great post. And no one should make you feel guilty about not choosing NC (I'm not sure where you gotbthe guilt feeling from, so if I'm making a wrong assumption here, please tell me).

    My recent NC choice came about of its own accord -- and I never sent a letter or note to my parents. I merely stopped returning their emails and phone calls. Maybe that make me a coward, but I can't see how confrontation would make it better in this case.

    So, I'm glad you're finding your own way. I think that's what most of us ACoNs are trying to do.

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    1. Thank you - I imposed the guilt feeling on myself all on my own. I don't need anyone to make me feel guilty, all I require is the inference that there are people who believe something "should" be done - even if no one has ever said as much. Mine is a twisted world.

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    2. PA- I also live with those inferences. If your world is twisted, so is mine.

      VR- You are not a coward. I don't see that making a huge fight about it would've been any better. The results are the same. I'm kind of in the same boat. I just quit laying myself out over the chasm between me and some of my narcs, and wadda ya know, they didn't see it worthy of their time to reach back. So be it.

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  4. I am also LC and totally understand the feeling of looking at my parents with kind of a scientific curiosity. It works for me. My mother rarely visits me so the only contact is when I see her at her house. Easy for me to just step away.

    I feel sad that you think of yourself as a cold, cruel bitch. May I suggest an alternative perspective. One of the powerful defenses used in difficult situations is dissociation. Every body does it to a degree, setting emotions aside to deal with an issue at hand. Mine was extreme so I learned a lot about it. I learned I was neither cold or cruel, I set aside emotions to cope with the problem at hand only the problem never got better. It never became easier to interact with my NM. She did not change. I went to counseling to reconnect my feelings. Difficult process but for me so worth it. I mourned not having a mother. I felt very weird mourning a live person. My relationship with her did not improve. What did improve was my relationship with everyone else. I enjoy my FOC more. I enjoy work more. I enjoy living more. Some relationships just can't be fixed because it takes cooperation on both sides. I have followed your posts for a long time. I have seen a warm, caring woman trying to find meaning and purpose to the behaviors of the people that should have love her most but didn't. I am cheering you on. You found your voice and choosing your path. Thank you for sharing your journey.

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    1. You give me so much hope, Ruth. You're an inspiration, truly. Thank you so much for this.

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  5. I came to the same place you've reached - amusement when in the company of my NM. In regards to your "cold, cruel bitch" comment I would ask you if you're cold and cruel to others or only your parents. I ask because I know that some day I will get a call and be told my NM died and when I imagine that moment I don't feel sad and I believe that's how it will be. I will feel nothing. She (as a mother figure) died when I realized what she was and her death gave me birth and the freedom to grow up loved (by myself). I believe my emotional distance is healthy detachment not cruelty knowing that others don't see it the same way but frankly who cares! I just found your blog, I'm looking forward to reading your posts. :)

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