Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Almost Alive

After being able to cry and feel about my childhood a bit - nothing too dramatic, but still a huge step for me - I spent the next several days very happily doing my job and thinking I'm good at it and then spontaneously singing and playing the guitar at a party - in front of people, unabashedly well. And I felt so happy and alive.

My first reaction: I must be running away from feeling the bad stuff.

When I thought about it: I'm living life, actually. Enjoying the good stuff freely and without shame and guilt. I wasn't looking for it, it just happened.

Both feeling sad about the bad stuff and feeling free to enjoy the good stuff were forbidden in my home. I mistrust both.

I'm now slowly starting to allow myself both - any they come in a package, or so it seems.


  1. It makes me sad that the Narcs took away one of our most precious things: to just be happy when we are happy. That they ingrained in us that we were doing something bad (running away, ignoring life, being Polly Anna-ish, devaluing their pain, etc.) by enjoying our lives.

    I'm glad you've been able to allow yourself to just be. Feeling whatever the hell you need to feel. I hope and wish that for all of us!

  2. This is great! So many of my emotions were layered like an onion that peeling off or releasing one layer exposed a new exciting layer of feeling that had remained hidden.

    Q's Sis

  3. Sounds awesome that you are enjoying just being you. High 5 to you.


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