Monday, April 9, 2012

Secret Birthday Party

Yesterday, on Gregorian Easter (Happy Easter to everyone celebrating according to the Gregorian calendar!) I decided to throw a little secret birthday party for myself (my real birthday will be on Good Friday according to the Julian calendar and thus not a good day to celebrate).

I invited only my aunt and cousins, and my husband and kids were there. I even had a tiny cake and blew candles. I decided to be surrounded only by the people who love me unconditionally for my birthday. It was the best birthday ever, and it wasn't even my birthday!

My aunt was able to clarify a little mystery to me: I'd been wondering about my NF's "sea change" - why he's been so much "nicer" and "more supportive" to us since his latest return from the seaside this last October - quite simply put, my now enlightened aunt has stopped listening to his tirades about me compassionately. She used to think of him as a somewhat eccentric and sentimental old cook who can be lent a shoulder to cry on. She now shuts him up and defends me fiercely. He no longer has the support he needs to be openly abrasive and critical. He has no one to play martyr to. Talking to some people actually makes a difference!

I can't express how grateful I am to her for this. And for knowing that there's a "grown-up" who loves me unconditionally and I'm even related to her!

She also told me, when I admitted I have an irrational fear of him that I rationalize through various disaster scenarios of things he might do to us, that he'd never do anything like that - he lives on being seen as the perfect father and grandfather by others and those scenarios would expose him as someone much different.

Also, she says, should anything happen - I wouldn't be alone. She'd defend me.


  1. Belated Happy Birthday, PA! It's so great to have a source of support within the family-someone else who confirms your feelings and view of the situation. And that unconditional love? Bask in it!

  2. Woop, happy birthday!

  3. How cool. You now share your birthday with my newest granddaughter, she was born on Good Friday. I am so happy for you that you have someone that shows you the unconditional love that you deserve. It is so awesome to read of your support. May this birthday represent all the ones to come.

  4. I think this is a fabulous idea! And I'm so happy your aunt has come around to see the truth. I have an aunt that I am hoping the same with -- she tends to say supportive things about my mother/her sister ("she's your mother, you should make nice for the sake of the family"), but she has not realized that my mother says the most horrible things about my aunt and has for as long as I can remember. I'm not going to hurt my aunt by telling her, but I'm hoping she'll see the truth, especially as their mother (my grandmother) died a few months back and I've read that once the narcissist's parents are deceased, they rip loose even more. Not that I want my aunt to get hurt by my mother -- I just want her to stop telling me how I should handle my mother. Otherwise, my aunt is a great person.

    Oh, and happy un-birthday! Isn't that what the Mad Hatter says?


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