Saturday, August 20, 2011


I just now realized that other dreams in which I was persecuted by a dark murderer may have been about my father too.

In one of them, a man with a gun is chasing me through a labyrinth. At one point, I get sick and tired of running away. So I confront him and tell him "Just go ahead and kill me." He presses the gun against my chest. He hesitates. So, looking him straight in the eyes, I pull the trigger myself. The bullet goes through my heart, which has gone all numb. I don't feel a thing. The ground just gets softly closer and then there's only darkness.

I've thought about it and I do feel my father as a truly dangerous man, with the potential to actually hurt me. I'm not sure to which extent this sentiment is irrational, but it's there and that's a fact.


  1. There has always been more of a tone of dread in your writing than on any of these other narc-resistance blogs -- even the ones that recount memories of serious crimes.

    - GKA

  2. Emotions are not always rational. However I suspect your feelings of fear are based in actual events. Being taught to question your own feelings makes it harder for you to decide what is important and what is just letting go of old processed feelings. Sounds like you are working through how you feel towards the father you have always known and recently learned he's not. I think it puts the whole relationship on shifting ground.

  3. Your father is a truly dangerous man, with much more than just the potential to hurt you - he has been doing that already, all your life. Perhaps the dream could be representative of your submitting to his conditioning during childhood? He took away your feelings, but your participation was also needed for that (dissociation is something caused by an abuser, but it is the victim's reaction).

    Sounds like you are doing a lot of processing right now!


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  5. :(. no don't shoot yourself pronoia.
    i had a very similar thought and confession a bit before i left my parents' house. i said that i was almost sure that if i tried to leave or did something 'crazy', my parents would go beserk, do something crazy, that my dad might try to kill me. i didnt know if it was rational or not. i just knew that that was how i felt. frankly, i didn't feel like sticking around to find out.
    i think your dream is telling you what you know/feel about your dad. he is dangerous, because he hurt you in the past, you know this. he is dangerous not so much that you need to worry about him now or in the future, but because of your experience with him and how he treated you since the beginning.
    i dont know whether my parents would ever kill me or whatever or physically hurt me, the thing is though they've already displayed a severe lack of empathy that was soul murder. that's all i care about.
    you know your father hurt you. and he has already murdered you, emotionally. i think that's what the dream represents..

  6. This was a dream I had when I was 16 or so.

    The horrible thing was I did it to myself. And thought I was brave to do it, too. I was the one who killed off my feelings and made my heart go numb so I'd have the "strength" to "confront" him, which just meant my annihilation.

    Thank you for your comments, they were really helpful. I was just so conditioned to view enduring anything and willingly subjecting myself to anything at all as strength and courage, I didn't even see that I was here i effect killing myself, although the dream was pretty clear about that.

    And thanks to upsi for sharing her dream so I could compare and contrast! I only realized all this now!

  7. We were taught that strength was to endure pain ... but it's good that you are growing and healing and feeling ...

    No more killing yourself ... you're "rising again, aflame with REAL love" as you say in your "About Me" in the sidebar.


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