I finally finished the story. I took long, long breaks because it was really hard and scary.
In it, all the characters are apparently parts of me and include my very developed and detailed False Self, my threatened, hidden Inner Child, the Abominable Tyrant, and two cops who come in the end - something like surrogate parents.
The story has five or six endings that I tried - and I left them all in, in the spirit of deconstruction and transparency, along with my thoughts on them - and all these endings are very violent and full of rage.
But the only one that works is the one in which the False Self and the Tyrant both die.
Sounds very interesting, PA! I hope it was therapeutic - I'm fascinated.
ReplyDeletexox
upsi
Thank you, upsi!
ReplyDeleteIt was an eye-opener in many ways. I had to realize that who I am now has to go - even if she's the main character.
PA this is an interesting step. The day I realized I had to make major changes to myself was a real jolt to me.
ReplyDeleteI went back and reread the earlier post. Sounds like your writing had the therapeutic effect you were hoping for. I like the idea of allowing all the different ending to stay. Did you ever read a book in the series, "Choose your own adventure"?
I loved Choose Your Own Adventure when I was a kid! My only problem was I didn't know how to make absolutely sure I'd read all the endings!
ReplyDeleteI knew on some level I had to make changes, but I'm just beginning to realize that most of what I think of as "me" might have to go.
This is fascinating. Would you consider posting the story here, if it is not too long and you are willing to share? I think we could all learn from it!
ReplyDeleteWould you also share more about the changes you have decided you must make, and how you are going about it?
I just started therapy (CBT), and had two sessions now. It has been eye-opening, and I too realized that I carry around a lot of false self. Does it have to "go", or is it already not really there, I am not sure. I am looking for Reality. The therapist is awesome; a woman in her 40s, and so very rational. Cheap, too (when compared with other countries, in any case). I thought of you when I had a good experience with her. If you want to meet her, I'll give you her number.
NLR
I'd post it, but it's not in English.
ReplyDeleteActually, it's the first time I've expressed myself freely in my mother tongue. I used to be able to speak my mind only in Eglish before, because learning English as a child provided me with an opportunity to develop a freer and more confident alter-ego. That's why this blog is in English, which is a foreign language to me.
I'll share more about my false self in a separate post, I've been meaning to anyway, so I might as well get around to it.
I don't like the sound of CBT - it reminds me of Skinner - but I trust you. :)
Ah, that's great! Interestingly enough, I have never been able to express myself very well in my "mother tongue" either, always preferring English.
ReplyDeleteIt's a shame for the readers of this blog, though. I think these insights are important to all of us :), since we struggle with false self too. I'd love to hear more. I do hope you don't discard everything you have been, or have been projecting to the world about yourself, because I like you.
I liked the sound of CBT much more than the sound of any other therapy, because it is no-nonsense, very concrete, and you're not tied to a life of therapy if you opt for CBT. Most people have no more than 20 sessions, apparently.
Trust me? I think you are alone there. I don't even trust myself. That is why I am in therapy, among other things! What I experienced was open dialog, and therapist-client cooperation. I dislike being told how to live my life, but figured that I do need help with that. With this therapist, and because of the method of therapy, it is team work and it has made me feel safe so far.
Specifically addressing the narc issue, this was the first time that I received validation from a professional and a clearer view of what that means for contact/ no contact. I didn't hear any of the "but you HAVE to have contact with your parents, no matter what they are like" that you usually hear in this country. Rather, I received concrete advice on HOW to deal with my own reactions to contact with a narc (I suffer from anger attacks after contact!), and also about feeling acceptance toward cutting ties.
NLR
I like that! I'm not too much into no-nonsense, concrete stuff, which is what turned me off CBT :D
ReplyDeleteBut she sounds great - anyone who actually gets it does - and so does "cheap."
Really? That surprises me, I always thought you were very no-nonsense and concrete!
ReplyDeletehuh, i wasn't even aware you didn't live in the US. wow, we're so diverse!
ReplyDelete