I have made some choices in life against my narcissistic father's wishes, ideas and advice. I have rebelled against his worldview and his hierarchies. I have stood up against him repeatedly, starting at a relatively early age.
But I have still never - ever - stood up for myself.
I only realized this today. It was astounding. I was walking down the street and had to sit down when it hit me.
I have stood up against him on principle - if he criticized something or someone I was affiliated with, I would defend the idea or the person. I have stood up for other people he attacked, because I didn't like to hear people being attacked. I have stood up for my kids - if he tries to control my daughter and tell her how to play, I tell him, jokingly but sternly, "Leave my child alone." I have stood up for The Truth - if he bragged about me excessively, I'd correct him relentlessly in public.
But I have yet to stand up for myself.
For instance, when I was seven and another little girl and I roughhoused with him and he threw us down on the ground really hard, I spoke up. But not for me - if it had only been me, I would have kept quiet. I said to him, literally "You can do to me what you want, because I'm your daughter, but I don't think it was right to do that to someone else's child." This incident ended badly. So I know I'm not gutless.
No, I just have a deep-seated belief that I'm not worthy of my own advocacy. I don't think of myself as worthy of being defended by me. Now there's a weird story of me, myself and I!
It influenced other areas of my life as well. When I was in college, I was the representative of the student body. I fiercely fought against every professor, assistant or bureaucrat I perceived as "tyrannical" towards the students. But when I was being treated very unfairly myself by a professor who had a grudge against me (I was failed twice and I could prove that all my test answers were 100% correct both times), I only half-heartedly complained about it once to one person. Unofficially.
I had a bad experience with my first hospital birth. And although I've been very angry about the way hospitals function and what they do to women on principle, I'm still not sure I'd feel entitled to personally refuse procedures or interventions that "only" make my experience of birth and recovery more painful and difficult. I'd more easily be an advocate for someone else, though, and I'd most willingly have a heated discussion with figures in authority about the whole matter on principle.
Why? I've no idea. What comes to mind is: It's different for me, I'm not important, It doesn't matter, I can handle it, I'm strong or have to be, and if I complain then I'm being weak and whiny and I can't stand to inconvenience others.
Anyone else? How do they do it to us?
How do you switch it off?
But I have still never - ever - stood up for myself.
I only realized this today. It was astounding. I was walking down the street and had to sit down when it hit me.
I have stood up against him on principle - if he criticized something or someone I was affiliated with, I would defend the idea or the person. I have stood up for other people he attacked, because I didn't like to hear people being attacked. I have stood up for my kids - if he tries to control my daughter and tell her how to play, I tell him, jokingly but sternly, "Leave my child alone." I have stood up for The Truth - if he bragged about me excessively, I'd correct him relentlessly in public.
But I have yet to stand up for myself.
For instance, when I was seven and another little girl and I roughhoused with him and he threw us down on the ground really hard, I spoke up. But not for me - if it had only been me, I would have kept quiet. I said to him, literally "You can do to me what you want, because I'm your daughter, but I don't think it was right to do that to someone else's child." This incident ended badly. So I know I'm not gutless.
No, I just have a deep-seated belief that I'm not worthy of my own advocacy. I don't think of myself as worthy of being defended by me. Now there's a weird story of me, myself and I!
It influenced other areas of my life as well. When I was in college, I was the representative of the student body. I fiercely fought against every professor, assistant or bureaucrat I perceived as "tyrannical" towards the students. But when I was being treated very unfairly myself by a professor who had a grudge against me (I was failed twice and I could prove that all my test answers were 100% correct both times), I only half-heartedly complained about it once to one person. Unofficially.
I had a bad experience with my first hospital birth. And although I've been very angry about the way hospitals function and what they do to women on principle, I'm still not sure I'd feel entitled to personally refuse procedures or interventions that "only" make my experience of birth and recovery more painful and difficult. I'd more easily be an advocate for someone else, though, and I'd most willingly have a heated discussion with figures in authority about the whole matter on principle.
Why? I've no idea. What comes to mind is: It's different for me, I'm not important, It doesn't matter, I can handle it, I'm strong or have to be, and if I complain then I'm being weak and whiny and I can't stand to inconvenience others.
Anyone else? How do they do it to us?
How do you switch it off?
"What comes to mind is: It's different for me, I'm not important, It doesn't matter, I can handle it, I'm strong or have to be, and if I complain then I'm being weak and whiny and I can't stand to inconvenience others."
ReplyDeleteThis must be the key. You were conditioned to believe you don't matter, you can handle it, you need to be strong and perform for the Narc. Standing up for abstract principles might be easier for you because the Narc did not have any. Standing up for other people might be easier because it still means acknowledging YOU are not important.
I felt different. I felt, "how about ME? Don't I matter?" all the time, growing up. These particular feelings actually led me to believe I might have NPD myself; it must have been googling phrases like "self importance" or "I care about myself" that made me found out about NPD. The funny thing is though, that since the Narc is no longer a regular feature in my life, I don't have those feelings at all anymore.
I still can't make myself even conceive that thinking I'm important is even moral. Dear Lord.
ReplyDelete