Another Flying Monkey Air Raid

I just got a very disgusting message from my father's girlfriend.

First I'll quote it in its entirety and then I'll shred it to pieces.

"Pronoia, how are you and what are you doing? How are the children? When are you going on holidays? I haven't been working too much. Only two or three days a week. The two of us are getting along quite well. It would be nice if you'd send us pictures from the birthday party. Greetings to all."

My comments are green:

"Pronoia, how are you and what are you doing? How are the children? When are you going on holidays?

This is my father's voice here. The "polite", impersonal string of random questions that mean little and that could have been directed at any acquaintance and that show no interest in the answer.

I haven't been working too much. Only two or three days a week. The two of us are getting along quite well.

Red alert. Among the small talk, I see what's going on here. Before they went away, she'd complained to me about the horrible abuse he'd been subjecting her to. I listened and validated her and told her, when he wasn't listening, that she could write to me any time for support if she had problems because I understood. She must have told him about this and he must have seen that we were getting too close for his taste. So, obviously, he turned his charm back on with her, and is once more the good, gentlemanly boyfriend to her, which makes it possible to enlist her as a flying monkey in his battle against me. I'm flattered. I must be a worthy opponent. He's being nice to her AND he wants me to know that.

Actually, I'm lying. All this is hurtful and painful for me. But I'm not a wimp, remember? I'm a warrior, etc. I'm hurt both by his behavior (expected) and hers (not so expected; but should have been; after all, she's with him despite knowing she's being abused: why would she think the role of a flying monkey would be beneath her if she lets him get away with far worse?)

It would be nice if you'd send us pictures from the birthday party.

And there we are. Right at the end. The only reason for this message (she never writes to me; there's no need to; I barely correspond with him; she communicates with me only in her Flying Monkey role). He wants the photos of the birthday party of the birthday girl whose birthday he never congratulated us on because he was sulking. It's beneath him to ask. He probably thinks they are his due, and is offended I hadn't sent them myself. It would be nice if I sent them - and it's not nice that I haven't sent them. This is not even a request. A request is: "Would/Could you please send us pictures?" What (s)he wrote here is a thinly veiled reproach: You haven't sent your father the pictures from your daughter's birthday and that's not nice! 

These are his words, written in his style. I don't even want to necessarily accuse her of participating in this, before I ask her. It wouldn't surprise me if he was the one writing these messages. She might have just let him. Or not even that.  

Greetings to all."

Again, I don't know what to do. As soon as he gets his hands on the pictures, he'll send them to all his "friends" to prove how he cares about his daughter and his granddaughter. I don't mind that too much, as he's not on FB or anything, these are just private emails, and the only unpleasant aspect of that is that it was difficult for two persons of mutual acquaintance to believe me at first when I "came out". They were sure my father loved me so much. But it didn't take long even for them to See.

I don't feel he deserves the pictures from the parents of the birthday girl to whom he didn't have the decency to congratulate the birthday in the first place. I was going to keep quiet about that, because I didn't want to acknowledge that I was hurt or even noticed this. But he knows what audacity it is to be asking for the pictures now. Which is why she's the one asking. My husband says "Just send the photos to her". Which might be just the appropriate response.

What do you think?

More fun correspondence

I actually missed some of the fun correspondence my aunt forwarded me.

It's very moving for me. Very. When she told me about it, she sounded more offhand about it, but her reply to him was so meaningful to me on so many levels. I realized she actually really stood up for me in the whole business, like my own mother never did. I realized she's not afraid of him, like my mother and I were. I realized my aunt probably actually really loves me. This is something astounding for me. I'm actually crying. I've never felt so strong. There's a real person who really loves me. Even though my father accused me before her. It made no difference.

So here it is. My father apparently asked for photos from my daughter's first birthday (which he didn't call to congratulate her on because I'd failed to inform him of my safe arrival). Presumably she asked why I'm not the one sending him the photos, to which he replied:

"I can only hope to get these photos from you.

Pronoia forgot to send me a message with only two words: arrived safely.

She will see when her children grow up, and then go somewhere, how she'll worry if they arrived. She doesn't understand that children remain children for the parent even when they grow up and become parents themselves. To them they are always just their children."

Yup. That says it all. JUST their children. Who belong to their parents and must obey them or face horrible consequences.

Notice how the first two sentences are supposed to be connected logically? Pronoia forgot, and therefore I can't get photos from her? Because, of course, I'm punishing her by never speaking to her again. Naturally!

She replied:

"Come on, N,

Whoa, you're heartless!!!! (this is difficult to translate - it's actually between "heartless" and "hard on someone" - in this context, it sounds like a semi-jocular reprimand, so I went with "heartless")

I understand well the forgetfulness of "children" because it reminds me of my own youth a lot. (so grateful for the quotation marks here)

My own children are like that too.

Unlike you, I never wait.

I call.

I recommend you do the same - if you worry, call her :)"

This is so refreshingly honest, direct, and sweet.

I couldn't help thinking how angry he must have been reading that. But there's nothing he can do to her.

The email I quoted in The Saga was a reply to this. Inadvertently, I pulled an in medias res on you. The fun part, in this new context, is his explanation of why he didn't just call: he won't call me to make sure we're safe and alleviate his worries, because he doesn't want to "bore" me, BUT he'll never speak to me again, because that's acceptable? More acceptable than "boring" me? It's OK to never speak to your daughter again and not congratulate her on her child's first birthday on purpose, but it's not OK to "bore" her with a short phone call? Does he actually believe he's fooling a single human being?

The Saga of the Latest Silent Treatment

This is embarrassing to write. I'm afraid people will just tell me "It's your own fault for not cutting ties with a person who treats you that way". But I have to be honest here and tell the tale of the Latest Silent Treatment and how, apparently, my father Won.

In my culture, it is relatively customary for parents of adults to still worry about them and wish to be informed when they have arrived safely at their destination after a trip. My very normal aunt has the same expectation from her very normal very adult kids, who don't have a problem with it, so I know it's not an insane request. But my father is.

A day before we were going to visit my ILs for our daughter's first birthday, my father sent me a message saying, and I quote "If it's not too hard and if you remember, please let me know when you arrive."

Translation: If sending a message to your father is too hard or you forget, then you're evil and reprehensible.

I forgot. Here's the story of that and of how I even learned I was getting the Silent Treatment in the first place (again, I didn't even notice he hadn't called on my daughter's birthday. If his girlfriend hadn't sent me that insane message, I'd never know I was being "punished". No communication with him just feels like normal, pleasant life).
 
So he wouldn't call me to ask if we arrived safely (something normal parents would do if their kids forgot). No, instead he chose not to wish his granddaughter Happy Birthday and start trying to recruit an army of Flying Monkeys to Put Me in Line. He called my ILs and complained to them. Then he wrote to my aunt, telling her he was angry with me. She wrote back saying he shouldn't be so hard on us and he should have just called us. She forwarded me his reply. I have to share it because it even made my very calm husband angry. Well, I'll share the highlights, the rest is boring cliche narc talk. My comments are in green:

"I'm not too hard on them, I was raised that way. I don't know who Pronoia takes after, it's as if she hadn't been raised by us."

What his parents did to him can't be referred to as being "raised" but that's beside the point. The fact that he's angry and confused by my behavior and feels like I'm a different person than the one he "raised" is a huge compliment and proof that he knows he can't control me and he knows it.

 

"Me and my late wife weren't like that." Followed by a story on how they went to the post office to call their mothers as soon as they arrived to the seaside.

He may have been fully controlled by his narcissistic mother, but he's appropriating my mother here for his purposes. She never really called her parents and I have heard her say so repeatedly. It was only at his insistence that she'd do the same as he and call her mother on arrival.

"Perhaps times have changed, and I'm still living in another, older time, when parents were respected."

So there we are. This is not about worrying, it may not even be entirely about control. It's about "respect" as it always is with narcissists. He's offended that I forgot. He wouldn't call himself to check, because he doesn't really care or worry. The only emotion he's capable of is being offended.

"Perhaps you're right and we should bore them and call them, but I try to avoid it. I know she's busy and I don't want to get in the way. Even when I want to drop by to see them I ask them if I can come first, in case they perhaps have some other plans or business :--("

This is the part that made my husband angry. The hypocrisy aside (I don't want to bore her, because I'm not so important, but I'll get angry if she forgets, because I'm so important, more important than Birthday Girl on her first birthday), there's an outright lie there. No, he doesn't call to check if we indeed have other plans. He did at first, but he dropped it altogether. He just drops by, not to "see us" but to wait while his girlfriend is in class. He drops by at a time inconvenient for us, late in the evening. When his girlfriend has no classes, he won't come at all, for weeks at a time. 

The SAD FACE at the very THOUGHT that we might DARE have other plans or business is the SCARIEST part of this message. It's a fake message to someone who loves me, and STILL it's showing. Can you imagine what's actually in his head if he'd WRITE that to my aunt?

The silent treatment went on for 10 days. I wondered what to do when we got back and the next opportunity for "normal" communication came up. I chose to ignore the ignoring and wrote a message to let him know we got back home, like I normally would. He chose to interpret it as his victory, sending me a sickly sweet message in reply. My husband told me to save that message as proof to others, who don't get it, that it's all a fake game. Going from "angry" to saccharine in a beat is not something normal people do. 

I'm not sure I did the right thing, but I just didn't want to engage in the game. Let him think he won. I wanted him to understand that if he has a problem, he's supposed to TELL me. I'm not interested in reading between the lines of his girlfriend's messages or being "scolded" by other family members. I'm not interested in him believing I'm obsessing over whether Daddy's angry and why, oh why? I'm not sure I made him learn that. But ignoring him would have clearly said I noticed him ignoring me. And I'm so dead set on not being vulnerable to him that I won't acknowledge to him or myself that I have even noticed that he wouldn't say Happy Birthday on my daughter's first birthday. And I might be hurt. But it's too stupid to be hurt about anything a narcissist does, so I won't acknowledge that.

The silent treatment from Grandpa instead of Happy Birthday

I think my mistake was signing my last text message with "love". I was feeling good, life was great, he was far, far away, we were exchanging a light text message every week or so, and I felt God's love pouring through me and into everyone.

But a narcissist sees other people's love as a confession of weakness.

He usually expects me to inform him when I arrive whenever I relocate, so he wouldn't "worry". It's pretty much standard procedure in my culture to send a short message saying "We arrived safely" to one's parents, but I seem to forget that a lot. I seem to forget him a lot, for some strange reason.

So, on my daughter's birthday, I didn't let him know we arrived at my ILs safely. I forgot. We were having a good time. Then we arrived at the summer house which is near them. Then I got a message from MY FATHER'S GIRLFRIEND, saying Happy Birthday to Baby.

And then another message from HER, in which she was playing the role of his Flying Monkey and in which I could recognize his usual cold vocabulary: "Your dad is here too. He called to wish Happy Birthday to Grandma and Grandpa (my ILs) and received the information that you arrived safely". Translation: Your father wanted ME to tell you he's offended because you didn't inform him of your safe arrival, and that's why he called your IN-LAWS to ask THEM - and probably complain about you - and he congratulated THEM on their granddaughter's birthday, but he WON'T do the same to you, you ingrates!"

I learned from my aunt that he corresponds with her and other distant family members and acquaintances far more often than he does with me and he informs them of my whereabouts, making himself seem like a caring father. That's why he's after the information so much.

It's been a week now. I'm not going to call and neither is he. I wonder how this will end. If I send a casual message, it might seem like I've lost the "war". If I don't, it might seem like I've noticed that he's ignoring us in the first place - which I have, but I don't want him to know that.