It sounds like a paradox, but I'm dead serious. The reason it's so difficult to explain to others what we were missing as children and are still missing now is because it is such a normal, essential thing that those who had it and have it don't even notice it. How can you explain Lack of Love to those whose parents really loved them? How can they understand what it's like never to have received free, safe, unconditional love from those whose duty it was to provide it?
So we talk about the fluff. We talk about their selfish or abusive or lying actions and are told that other parents sometimes do the same. They talk about how our parents raised us, put us through school, bought us stuff. But all this is irrelevant fluff. The issue is Lack of Love. Parental love is something absolutely essential, and yet something invisible, because it's simply taken for granted.
Like eyesight. We don't go around thinking about eyesight all day long, thanking God we have it and feeling empathy towards those who don't. We take it for granted. Only if you're blind, and have known what having eyesight is like, are you likely to See its importance.
When we are told "Well, maybe your parents were unable to really love you, but they put you through school and bought you stuff" it's like telling a person whose parents gouged their eyes out in infancy "Well, your parents blinded you, but they bought you some nice shades, and that white cane they got you sure is neat."
I was blinded early in my life. And only recently have I begun to realize what having eyesight feels like. And only now do I realize what a difference it makes and how essential it is.
My husband is still struggling with the effects of lack of love (he is currently NC with his NM). He sometimes still has the mentality of "me against the world" - he has included me and our kids in his bubble, so it's "us against the world". Everyone else is seen as suspect, even my parents. It took me a long time to even get an inkling of what it must feel like. It makes me feel so sad for the little boy he was, for any child who has to live through that.
ReplyDeletemaybe..but what kind of sane person would tell a kid blinded by their parents, hey look on the bright side, that cane sure is nice?
ReplyDeletepeople who cite being put through school and having been given stuff don't seem like very loving or listening people to me. they are obviously missing the point. especially if they say this after you explain some of your experience. its like the go-to phrase that gets people off free - "they put you through school." okay, what else is new.
okay, i get your metaphor now. so...acons are blind, loved people are not..and then the acons who realize that they were blind and now they see...can see the huge difference...hmmmm.
sighted people can't see the importance of sight? if we met someone who lost their sight, wouldn't we feel empathy? we would see what a huge thing they lost.
it takes sight to see, not blindness.
i guess i was thinking about it, and i wondered if it was being abused was what made me able to get to where i am now. it's not. it's being able to SEE that i was abused. blindness doesnt make you see. blindness is what abusers have and what they try to give to their children. i'm me because i'm me, not because i was treated badly. i believe empathy came before that. that's why i believe loved people who learned sight should be able to SEE.
i guess i just can't believe that love would be something that would cause people to be blind. though i think when it comes down to it, it isnt about if you were loved by your parents. its about if you love yourself. parents can get in the way or not, not just through how they directly treat you, but the freedom, respect, and trust they allow you in learning to trust yourself. i do believe loving yourself is a natural process that a parent can't directly induce or control. they can't make it happen. they can't stop it either. all they can do is love themselves. i do believe if we each love ourselves, everything will work out...loving yourself is so important.
what is better than knowing someone loves themselves and feels meaning in their life? what is better than someone trusting you to love and enjoy your life?
It's hard for an intelligent person to understand just how stupid others can be. How can I explain to you that these people who defend narcissistic parents just don't get it? Their experience is so small that they don't know what we're talking about.
DeleteThank you Shelagh ^^^
DeleteI like what you wrote. It really hits home with me today. I am just exhausted from defending my life and feeling as if I must explain myself. But you are right, we are just missing so much love that never came. Somehow when you get older the void becomes bigger to deal with. Thanks for expressing what I am feeling.
ReplyDeleteKaren
Thanks, guys.
ReplyDeleteLisa, sorry for the convoluted metaphor. :) My point was in this sentence: "Only if you're blind, and HAVE KNOWN what having eyesight is like, are you likely to See its importance". The blind don't really known (this was me before I realized what love is); those with eyesight don't really know (people around me who were loved); only those like us who were blinded but have experienced what it's like to see (ACONs waking up and Seeing real love around them for the first time) can truly understand.
I think that is one of the challenges of explaining to someone that feels loved. I tried to use the metaphor of being outside in the cold while staring into a window of a candy store. You can see that everyone inside is having fun and enjoying the sweets but you have no idea what it is like or how to get in. I like Lisa's thought that loving ourselves can make a huge difference. I still struggle with this since if my parents can't love me why should anyone else? I am working on this and seeing progress. I am learning to feel like I am a very awesome person that my parents missed out getting to know because they were so busy trying to make me fit some other mold of their imagining.
ReplyDeleteThe blindness analogies reminded me of the animation movie, Coraline, which has an interesting take on narcissism; you can see the trailer on Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LO3n67BQvh0 --quartz
ReplyDeleteRight there with you. I have not spoken to my parents in almost a year.
ReplyDelete