Another Flying Monkey Air Raid

I just got a very disgusting message from my father's girlfriend.

First I'll quote it in its entirety and then I'll shred it to pieces.

"Pronoia, how are you and what are you doing? How are the children? When are you going on holidays? I haven't been working too much. Only two or three days a week. The two of us are getting along quite well. It would be nice if you'd send us pictures from the birthday party. Greetings to all."

My comments are green:

"Pronoia, how are you and what are you doing? How are the children? When are you going on holidays?

This is my father's voice here. The "polite", impersonal string of random questions that mean little and that could have been directed at any acquaintance and that show no interest in the answer.

I haven't been working too much. Only two or three days a week. The two of us are getting along quite well.

Red alert. Among the small talk, I see what's going on here. Before they went away, she'd complained to me about the horrible abuse he'd been subjecting her to. I listened and validated her and told her, when he wasn't listening, that she could write to me any time for support if she had problems because I understood. She must have told him about this and he must have seen that we were getting too close for his taste. So, obviously, he turned his charm back on with her, and is once more the good, gentlemanly boyfriend to her, which makes it possible to enlist her as a flying monkey in his battle against me. I'm flattered. I must be a worthy opponent. He's being nice to her AND he wants me to know that.

Actually, I'm lying. All this is hurtful and painful for me. But I'm not a wimp, remember? I'm a warrior, etc. I'm hurt both by his behavior (expected) and hers (not so expected; but should have been; after all, she's with him despite knowing she's being abused: why would she think the role of a flying monkey would be beneath her if she lets him get away with far worse?)

It would be nice if you'd send us pictures from the birthday party.

And there we are. Right at the end. The only reason for this message (she never writes to me; there's no need to; I barely correspond with him; she communicates with me only in her Flying Monkey role). He wants the photos of the birthday party of the birthday girl whose birthday he never congratulated us on because he was sulking. It's beneath him to ask. He probably thinks they are his due, and is offended I hadn't sent them myself. It would be nice if I sent them - and it's not nice that I haven't sent them. This is not even a request. A request is: "Would/Could you please send us pictures?" What (s)he wrote here is a thinly veiled reproach: You haven't sent your father the pictures from your daughter's birthday and that's not nice! 

These are his words, written in his style. I don't even want to necessarily accuse her of participating in this, before I ask her. It wouldn't surprise me if he was the one writing these messages. She might have just let him. Or not even that.  

Greetings to all."

Again, I don't know what to do. As soon as he gets his hands on the pictures, he'll send them to all his "friends" to prove how he cares about his daughter and his granddaughter. I don't mind that too much, as he's not on FB or anything, these are just private emails, and the only unpleasant aspect of that is that it was difficult for two persons of mutual acquaintance to believe me at first when I "came out". They were sure my father loved me so much. But it didn't take long even for them to See.

I don't feel he deserves the pictures from the parents of the birthday girl to whom he didn't have the decency to congratulate the birthday in the first place. I was going to keep quiet about that, because I didn't want to acknowledge that I was hurt or even noticed this. But he knows what audacity it is to be asking for the pictures now. Which is why she's the one asking. My husband says "Just send the photos to her". Which might be just the appropriate response.

What do you think?

The silent treatment from Grandpa instead of Happy Birthday

I think my mistake was signing my last text message with "love". I was feeling good, life was great, he was far, far away, we were exchanging a light text message every week or so, and I felt God's love pouring through me and into everyone.

But a narcissist sees other people's love as a confession of weakness.

He usually expects me to inform him when I arrive whenever I relocate, so he wouldn't "worry". It's pretty much standard procedure in my culture to send a short message saying "We arrived safely" to one's parents, but I seem to forget that a lot. I seem to forget him a lot, for some strange reason.

So, on my daughter's birthday, I didn't let him know we arrived at my ILs safely. I forgot. We were having a good time. Then we arrived at the summer house which is near them. Then I got a message from MY FATHER'S GIRLFRIEND, saying Happy Birthday to Baby.

And then another message from HER, in which she was playing the role of his Flying Monkey and in which I could recognize his usual cold vocabulary: "Your dad is here too. He called to wish Happy Birthday to Grandma and Grandpa (my ILs) and received the information that you arrived safely". Translation: Your father wanted ME to tell you he's offended because you didn't inform him of your safe arrival, and that's why he called your IN-LAWS to ask THEM - and probably complain about you - and he congratulated THEM on their granddaughter's birthday, but he WON'T do the same to you, you ingrates!"

I learned from my aunt that he corresponds with her and other distant family members and acquaintances far more often than he does with me and he informs them of my whereabouts, making himself seem like a caring father. That's why he's after the information so much.

It's been a week now. I'm not going to call and neither is he. I wonder how this will end. If I send a casual message, it might seem like I've lost the "war". If I don't, it might seem like I've noticed that he's ignoring us in the first place - which I have, but I don't want him to know that.