Saturday, January 17, 2015

I've come a long way and am not there yet

Though I haven't written anything in quite a while, I sometimes drop by to see what people dear to me are doing.

I think about upsi - what HAS happened there? I also wonder about Kiki, whose blog is gone as well.

I like to see Jonsi get back in the saddle and shoot. Where she seemed extreme (as not polite enough by my FOO standards) in the past, I now smile at all she has to say. In some ways, I have grown.

I love seeing what Mulderfan, Ruth, Jessie, Q and others are up to.

My father is getting - old. Less interested in us, less energetic and thus less pugnacious, less invested in anything. He's been barely noticeable lately, which is, naturally, a good thing. I've also been able to swap apartments with him, which means I now own the place where we live and he owns the place that he rents out and no one can hurt anyone in any real way. So stuff is good.

I allowed myself to complete my dissertation. Even though he is proud and boasts about it, I am still a PhD. It's a practical thing I did for myself and my FOC, and him being there at the defense is something like collateral damage. He didn't do much damage, actually - he only talked to ONE of the professors, also narcissistic, and I giggled to myself that they were perfect company for each other.

I also have a third child now - a boy this time. This was something I'd feared - that I'd treat a boy differently as a result of having a dominant narcissistic father (both better AND worse) - but I was over it before he was born, thankfully.

In many ways, I have the perfect life. By what the world values, I am successful because I have a PhD and three children of both sexes.

But I'll always be an ACON, I now see - never quite good enough, never quite happy, never quite at home. And it's OK. I don't know if others can really get "there" - be really content and happy and fulfilled. If so, good for them. But this level of "not being there" is something I personally will always be able to live with in honesty and authenticity. One of my most precious life goals is writing fiction - novels and stories - and this is where I can be in truth for the rest of my life, if I can but pour this truth into a novel.

All the best to everyone and keep fighting the good fight!


  1. Wow, PA, good to hear from you!

    It's definitely interesting how the landscape has changed around the blogs. I miss a lot of the conversations and often wonder where everyone has gone too. Or more, how they are.

    I find I often feel much the same way about all of this. That happy and fulfilled might be a bit of a stretch.

    Congrats on the degree and best of luck on your novel!

  2. Hi PA, like Jessie I'm glad to hear from you.

    Congrats on having a third Little - so exciting.

    I'm still here. I try to read blogs when I have time, but I seem to have less and less of it these days. Things have been uber quiet with DH's FOO (in fact, we haven't heard a peep since 2013). I do have a bunch of posts I've wanted to write, just not enough time.

    I think about Upsi often (and Kiki, as well as a couple others who used to blog but don't any longer). I hope they're all right out there, that they are finding their way. Things aren't the same here without their voices, but I don't wish for them to be in the blogosphere any longer if they haven't a need to be.

    At any rate, I'm glad to hear from you. I think about my DH being an ACoN for life sometimes. I think he always will be. I think the scars are always there but you kind of learn to live with them, you know? The more time that passes, the more you learn to adapt. I don't know either whether an ACoN ever finds that perfect place of fulfillment or zen or whatever you want to call it, but I think you can come close. Keep on keepin' on.



  3. Good to hear from you-You "sound" like you're much more at a place of acceptance with your situation and yourself. Thank you for adding much-and much great Leonard Cohen ;) to my world too!

  4. Last I heard, Upsi was getting divorced, and realized her husband was manipulating her perceptions of her family. Then she reconciled with her family. She was going to blog about it, but didn't want her soon-to-be-ex causing trouble.

  5. Hi Pronoia, all --

    Good to hear things are looking up for many of you. Things are more settled at this end too though it's never easy, as you can tell by my need to look up this site on this date. Helps to think about the kindness and acceptance I've received from people who, having received acceptance themselves from somewhere, have learned how to pay it forward. Helps to think of comforting my mother as a means of paying forward something that she didn't get and doesn't understand how to give. (Of course this is the hard part.) Helps to remember that I wouldn't want to give up my radar for sensing exclusion and the gift of easily receiving damaged people's trust.

    Cheers to all.

    - GKA

  6. Hellooooo!

    It's me, Kiki. How sweet that you all remembered me. It's been about four years now, hasn't it? Egad, three years!

    I stopped personal blogging because, for me, I got caught sort of in a loop. Like, I was fixating on some things, and I had a hard time moving forward. Plus, I was really vulnerable back then and had a hard time handling the really shockingly mean emails I'd receive from abusive parents defending themselves and what-not. And after a lot of thought and prayer, I just felt like personal blogging, as immensely rich and rewarding as it had been for me, had done what it needed to do, and I needed to move onto the next phase of life. (Again, blogging or not blogging is such a personal decision; I'm in no way judging other bloggers because, well, that'd be stupid and mean.)

    That said, every now and then, I peek into everyone's blogs to make sure everyone's OK because you all were so immensely amazing and helpful in those Dark Early Days of Kiki. And I want to make sure all's well.

    I am commenting today just to check in and let y'all know I am alive and very well, thanks for asking!

    I'm in Year 4 of NC. Every now and then, Mother Gothel and her flying monkeys (I'm mixing up movie references, I know) send an odd little one-line telegram, but those are ignored. I've been steadily going to therapy, which has been life-transforming and life-rebuilding, and still reading everything I can get my hands on to make sure I remain strong and healthy and don't get sucked into the morass by guilt or wishful thinking or delusions.

    My husband, kids, and I are also more together-er-er (I am so making up words now) than ever. We've always been close, but having the focus be us, be our family and not at the mercy of my NPD parents, has been HUGE.

    I am much happier than I ever thought I could be. The gal who was so terrified about what she had awoken to, the gal who was glued to her computer in desperate search for answers and so very glad and grateful for the bloggers she came to know and love, that girl has made it through the hardest part. And the battle's been worth it.

    I do get sad sometimes, sure. And now and then, I have to hide under the blankets because that's how I roll. And I sometimes feel the ache in my heart is just too big and will swallow me up.

    But I know now that the pain is bearable. You are, through prayer and reading tons of books and therapy and good friends (whether online or offline), capable of cobbling together a happy, good life.

    And in remembering that, I breathe in, breathe out, let the storm pass, and continue on.

    I wish you all the best and hugs and chocolate.


    p.s. Sorry I wrote so much!

  7. What happened to mulderfan? Does anyone know?

  8. She just put her blog back up:

  9. Mulderfan is right here but someone hijacked the name and it looks like I'm in the decorating business!
    Made the mistake of breaking NC when my mother was dying and allowed myself to be used and abused again. Very nearly, and quite literally, almost cost me my life. Now recovery from at stroke very likely triggered by stress.
    Stand firm in your resolve to go and stay NC. I am "living" proof your life depends on it.
    Love to all, MF


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