And they have to top everyone. Otherwise they're not alive. You see, they also mostly grew up in narcissistic households and are used to being either the best or useless. So their every conversation is about establishing whether they're the best or at least better than you.
PWC has an interesting post on how narcissists don't want you to be happy for them, just envious of them. It's true.
But they don't seem to really be able to tell the difference. If you admire their achievements / acquisitions when they brag about them, you could be doing it because you want to flatter your superior or because you're genuinely happy for another human being. The difference is beyond them. For them, you're the weak loser if you just say "How wonderful!" or "Congratulations!"
Because, you see, a stronger narcissist would find fault with the achievement / acquisition and this is a risk they take every time they brag about something. You can sometimes sense the trepidation underneath their superiority: Will I win this one? Will my success be attacked? Will I defend it by attacking the attacker well enough? Will I emerge from this as the winner?
You've got to feel sorry for them. Life is a constant battle for them. Support from others is interpreted as their defeat and these losers are immediately discarded as weaklings whose opinion doesn't matter anyway, since they're obviously inferior ("She says she likes my new car, and it must be because she wants to suck up to me because she admires me, which means she's weaker and unworthy of me"). The stronger narcissists who attack them powerfully enough are hated and feared. And they're in constant battle mode. And they're never at ease. And they're so alone.
Wow, I think you've captured their thought process. It does seem like if they win your admiration or approval, they instantly become dissatisfied with it and reject it. Sort of like a contrary child.
ReplyDelete"And they're in constant battle mode. And they're never at ease. And they're so alone."
Yes, they are a restless aren't they?
This is so spot on! This is exactly why my dad hasn't made much of a fuss of our new car. It's the first time we have owned a car newer than his own. He should be glad for us. We've been driving clapped out motors for years. But no. He preferred that! Really dad?
ReplyDeleteIt makes life so hard. You really cannot please a narc unless you are prepared to displease yourself forever!
My dad infantilises my older Nsis(younger one too, she's 43 going on 12) Older sis is happy to gain the accompanying attention. She is living on her own (no rival for dad) and has money troubles. As adult children, we get attention only if we are 'in a pickle.' As she is. If we are ok or, heaven forefend, moving anywhere near the 'S' word(success!) we are ignored, and often denigrated. Only the GC brother is allowed to be successful, and he has to be the MOST successful. My dad is panicking too, because we may be becoming a two car family again. This is interpreted, believe it or not,as me trying to put my bro down, as they are a one car family! As if I give a rat's tail. Because they see it as a contant one upmanship battle they assume I do. I never have.