Spanking out of anger is actually a manifestation of a part of my (normal) mother's legacy. When I was little, and she was exasperated, or tired, or angry, or was told she "had to win to be a good parent" (although she begged to differ), she spanked me. And then felt sorry. And I never held it against her, because I guess I was so overwhelmed with the legacy of my "perfect" father's inhumanity that I was actually grateful to experience human behavior, even if it was unpleasant.
I'm messed up on different levels and in different ways.
When my daughter was first born and I had crippling PPD and hadn't even begun addressing my father's NPD, my behavior towards the baby and toddler was immaculate from the outside. I never let her cry. I breastfed on demand and co-slept. I held her in my arms all the time and later in my lap whenever she wanted it. I rarely raised my voice and never hit her. And I felt no love for her and was basically a well-functioning machine, and this was taking up all my energy and leaving me dead inside.
Now that I'm becoming human again, I'm doing the bad stuff my mother did.
When do I get to be good?
You know, I suck at this empathy thing, or I should say, "admitting I have feelings at all" thing. I feel a lot of stuff, but apparently admitting that is a sign of weakness.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I'm crying with you. Literally. I'm sorry you are going through all these hard things, and the process of healing really doesn't feel like healing while we're doing it, does it?
You're human. You're real. Yes, imperfect. But at at least you're not a loveless machine, and that matters. Human does just fine, even if some of it is unpleasant.