Wednesday, September 26, 2012

The third little girl

A knife blood everywhere I wash and scrub and hide the washcloth.

No one must find out.

Two little girls are still here. The older one is five, the younger two. They don't know a thing. They don't know what happened to the third little girl, the one in the middle, who's about three or four years old.

A detective comes. Horror as she finds traces of blood on the floor, on the bed, on the camera. Guilt and shame, I'm ready to confess to all my crimes, but then I remember – I only have two little girls. I never had a third girl.

"We've done a test," the detective says.

"The blood we found belongs to you." 

(My interpretation: This is when I was emotionally broken and basically killed. I was around 3 or 4. Because I think the way I am is my fault, I try to hide it. If I'm the third little girl, if the blood is mine, then it's not my fault. No more so than it would be my daughters' fault for anything that happened to them now. There's no need to hide anything. I'm the detective, I'm myself, and I'm the dead little girl, all at once. According to the dream, at least, I didn't do anything horrible, although I constantly feel like it. I never took that knife to my daughters. The worst that happened to them was they might have seen some of my blood and got scared. And I'm sorry about that too.)


  1. Hugs. Dreams share what we are afraid to. I am sorry you were so hurt.

  2. That's the kind of dream that brings a chill to my bones. Eerie, eerie, but also full of important realizations about who you are and were.

  3. Urgh, I get ugly nightmares too.

    Hmm. Did you kill off your inner child to satisfy your parents and now secretly worry it negatively impacts your children? Or maybe you worry that your children will learn the horrible truth of your childhood (that it can't be hidden)?

    I think it says only good things about your character; you care about not hurting your children though you are hurting. You'll sacrifice yourself for them. Basically, you're everything my NM wasn't! :-)

    I once had a dream where I was two different people - one older, one a very young girl (probably 4, too - must be the magic age for N's to hate their kids!). I didn't realise I was both until my psychologist pointed it out, though.

    Oh, and the 4 year old version of me was a ghost. She'd been murdered, too. Only my NM and I could see her.

    Haven't found out who the killer was, but I'll bet it was me and I did it because my NM told me to.

    1. Oh my, it WAS me. I killed the little girl. That's why there's so much guilt and shame in the dream.

      I also feel, quite honestly, that it was me who somehow killed my mother, so sometimes I feel like a triple, three-generational murderer - my mother, myself, and my daughters.


I encourage comments!!!