A comment on a post of mine jumped at me and shocked me.
"I have perused your site. You, my dear, are also an N. Fully and
completely. Notice how you only talk about your own reaction to things.
Not others, and whether they did what's right for them. Not even your
own daughter. Only your reaction.
The good news is that
everyone has some N qualities or we would just let the lions eat us,
rather than killing them to protect our children and ourselves. It's a
survival instinct to act in your own best interest.
However,
healthy people form self interested groups, striving for a common goal,
like a soccer team. They don't whine about how the other player scored
the goal when they could have passed it to "me" so I could score. That
the goal was scored is the objective. Something you don't see, making
you an N too."
I am trying my very hardest to understand what this person is trying to tell me - especially in the context of the post which they commented on - but I'm failing miserably.
I guess I should have realized that my father using up all my young daughter's paint was good and right for him, and disliking it makes me narcissistic. I guess wishing to protect my daughter from the lion that is her grandfather was narcissistic. I guess writing about her sadness isn't her reaction, it's mine, and I was supposed to realize that a good thing happened there - a goal was scored. Or something. I really don't understand.
Help?
I think that the fact that you are trying so hard to see this from the comment person's point of view disproves her point. I am also a bit perplexed by why she chose this post. It seems to me that all you did was think about your daughter (and having Ngrandparents for my kids, I know what a struggle these situations are.)
ReplyDeleteAnd while her soccer analogy is interesting, it is not necessarily accurate. I don't think life is always about scoring "goals". And when one person on the team repeatedly runs over other players on their "team", hogs the ball for themselves, or takes credit for every goal, I'm not sure that having scored that point is worth it to anyone else on the team. I would bet the others on the team were hoping for a good game, one in which everyone felt included and got to be part of the fun.
I think using an analogy in which someone justifies the means for the end seems a bit narcissistic too. Does this person feel a need to project a bit?
The more I thought about this stupid soccer analogy the more annoyed I got.
DeleteIt actually is so stereotypical narc, that it's laughable. My gut reaction was to say "oh, yes, we should all work together, how dare I think of myself." But that's from years of training by my NM. Life isn't about "winning" or "scoring". It isn't about complete sacrifice by all others so that ONE person can look like a super star. Isn't being on a team supposed to be about encouraging everyone? About including everyone and letting everyone have an opportunity to excel. This analogy, actually, so describes my N-MIL's theory of life. She's all about complete enmeshment, in which everyone is supposed to sacrifice for the "common goal" (which in her case is look like the perfect family, evening out all the family members (except her) so that everyone is happy (in her mind), never being an individual).
And I agree with another poster, the "my dear" is so sickeningly narc that it revolts me. Trying to take you off guard by phony niceties and spouting "wisdom" about taking one for the team so you feel guilty for any attempt at individuality is ridiculous.
This person probably is the narcissistic parent of a child who they have run off. They are trying to justify their own failures and nastiness by painting you in a bad light.
ReplyDeleteI just love how the commenter had to say: "You, my dear, are also an N. Fully and completely."
The "dear" is so fucking condescending that you pretty much have to ignore the rest.
And the whole soccer analogy? What the fuck is this person's common goal? Want to bet it is that the family unit is sacred? This is just utter nonsense and makes no sense at all. It's got to be one of the worst uses of analogy I've ever read. How exactly does this pertain to getting well after being abused by a narcissistic parent? It doesn't.
See my response at said post. You don't need any "help." That poster does but will never admit it in classic NP style. Trolls are ubiquitous, especially EPs who prefer to sling it out of both sides of their panties at a proxy for their true feelings towards their OWN AC.
ReplyDeleteTW
The telling thing about this person, and I have not read his other comment, is that he/she is inserting himself into a blog/discussion that he has no stake in. Are his parents Malignant narcissists?
ReplyDeleteHis spouse?
His children?
Those that comb the internet looking for a place they can butt in and take offense are by definition trolls.
They either have no life or are some flavor of personality disordered.
And you focusing mainly about your reaction to things may be the result of this being your blog.
ReplyDeleteIf you were full bore N you would be engaging in supposition about the motives of others and be stating them as fact.
Oh, and why THIS post? Easy one. Once the AC rids themselves of the pestilence called the NP, the NP no longer gets to PREDATE on their AC OR the Grandkids. So how can the NP "compete" in the "Grandparent-of-the-Year" Olympics? The AC and grandkids are nothing more than objects, "Props" to the NPs "Image." And the AC has said "ENOUGH" and means it.
ReplyDeleteAnd "meaning it" also involves legal charges for all kinds of stuff proffered on the NPs when they start up with their very predictable crap.
It's all about "Appearances" to a NP. Their greatest fear is, "What will people THINK???" Horror of Horrors!!! Realistically, people don't give a shit but the idiots think since THEY'RE the "Center of the Universe," everyone else regards them with the same deference. WRONG AGAIN.
Carry on, PA.
TW
OMG MORE TROLLS??? GET THE FIREGUN (GUN THAT SHOOTS FIRE LIKE IN STARCRAFT)
ReplyDeleteSorry, I put up my reply on the original post. Hope you don't mind me copying it here too But this Anon really wound me up.
ReplyDeleteAnon, your language style sucks. Perused? (I use fancy superior words, because I AM superior)
You, my dear ( I condescend, because I operate on a high elite plane)
Interestingly Anon, you refer to Narcissists as Lions. That's a bit positive and majestic for my likes. Lions are king of the beasts.
However, healthy people (implies you're not healthy), Narcs love to cast self doubt.
Lastly, healthy people would form self interest groups and not whine.
A good example of negative gaslighting. She can't handle the fact that a blog like this is a form of self interest group. She wants to spread dissent, even break it up. It's actually fear of discovery (DON'T LOOK THERE, DON'T LOOK THERE!) That's also why she is Anon!!!
You are an N. (Twice she said that) Anon is trying to make us believe that we the readers and followers are being deceived. Anon is the high priestess of exposure and self doubt. She senses weakness, because she knows many of us have been scapegoats or victims of Malignant Narcs.
Thanks and great blog, Dave
This is brilliant. You've taken something so warped and straighten it out into what it really is...what is hiding behind the mask of accusatory words.
DeleteThe person is trying to tell you the following:
ReplyDeleteHow dare you complain about my actions? I could never be the problem; it's you. I hurt who I want, and I call it "survival," and if you have a problem with it, then you're weak, and I'll eat you alive. I find children the most tasty. Complain about me, and I'll do my best to make you question and hate yourself. It's a gift.
Narcs can be quite taxing at times. Don't know why though.
ReplyDeleteSo can cats. They always find a rug to hack up a fur ball even if you only have one and its 2x3.
ReplyDeleteSo I got rid of the rug. The floor is easier to clean and the cat at least has some positive qualities: It doesn't crap all over my life or my house, keeps critters at bay, requires minimum upkeep, isn't a drama queen, doesn't engage in DWI (Dialing While Insane) phone calls at all hours, and only "screams" on the way to/from the vet. When it's time, she'll die in peace and dignity.
Which is faaaar more than I can say about my MNPsychobitch.
TW
This made me laugh so much!
DeleteWow, Anon really showed his/her ass.
ReplyDeleteWow, thank you for all the comments! I guess the ACON in me half expected to hear "Well, now that Anon mentions it, you do focus an awful lot on your emotions here and you come across as quite narcissistic."
ReplyDeleteAnon could be one of the estranged parents who used to stalk and harass upsi because her (?) own estranged child told her she was narcissistic. So she googled it, and thus all of us.
And now she wants to make us believe we're all as bad as her, we're all narcissists, only she's better because she's aware of it and she wins and scores while the others whine. It only became clear after reading these comments.Thank you for restoring me to sanity!
Apparently Anon doesn't understand the concept of this blog, which is specifically for writing about YOU and YOUR experiences.
ReplyDeleteAnon, if you don't like it, don't read it. There is this awesome feature your browser has called the back button, and when you click it, it will take you back to the previous page. Keep clicking it until you get back to the hole you crawled out of to get to this blog. And by the way, those qualities you talk about are only N if they impair the functioning of a person in some way, such as their ability to live, work, maintain healthy relationships, and so on. Our N parents cannot maintain healthy relationships, despite our best efforts.
Right on!
DeleteAgreed 100%. Blogging IS ALWAYS ultimately about one person or organisation venting their own point of view so 'I feel', 'I am' and 'I think' naturally come up all the time.
DeleteHaving grown up with a narcissist, I can tell you that this is not what his blog would look like. 'My feelings and I' would not be the topic of the blog. Instead, it would be 'we think', 'she should' 'they are stupid', 'everyone should', 'everyone must be of the opinion that...'. Because narcissists DON'T focus on analyzing their own feelings, but instead focus on projecting them onto others. Anonymous's constant analysis of 'you' - 'you my dear...', 'this shows that you are...' is classic.
Respectfully AA, they SEE, they just don't AGREE. Because their own AC has either implemented LC/MC or NC they're absolutely furious they can't attack their AC directly. A Blogger is a much easier target for their fury at being called on their crap.
ReplyDeleteIf they took all that energy and used it for some GENUINE introspection there MAY be some hope for reconciliation if the AC is LC with their NP/"Demon Possession Disorder" or what ever you wish to call years of maltreatment/abuse endured by their offspring.
Alas, that's NOT gonna happen.....which is what leads up to NC. The EP Trolls are on the loose and are implementing a "(sub)Human Wave Attack" on all AC Blog links. Interestingly, we leave their sites alone. But their perversion won't allow them the same courtesy and their rage at their OWN AC is just too overwhelming not to smear all over ANY AC Blogger.
It's that whole "Locus of Control" which they lack-unless it's in Public: Then they magically morph into MOTYS/FATYS/POTYS. But in Private or hiding behind "Anon" their true self is revealed in all it's disgusting and ugly core self. This IS who they ARE.
TW
I am loath to pull out the pissing contest card. But my mother is a grade AAA sociopath.
ReplyDeleteWould all the people who want to attack this woman who is just trying to salvage what life she has left over from living with personality disordered parents please come over to Rumblestripq?
You guys are bush league.
There is nothing you can do to make me blanch.
There is nothing that will make me squirm.
C'mon over and pick on somebody your own size.
I'll be there waiting.
I have turned off moderation for comments.
In AA they address projection with the phrase, "if you can spot it, you got it."
ReplyDeleteSo that would make anon a narcissist too...right?
There is a difference. If you can sopt it, you got it, is an oversimplification, which is the realm Narcs live in. Everything is all or nothing, black and white. They do great with labels for this very reason, and dont care about all the gray in between.
DeleteBut normal people understand that the world is all gray. Nothing is rarely black and white. Some things are, like you are either pregnant or your not. You are either 6 feet tall, or 5 feet tall, no inbetween. But MOST things, there are variations.
Glad to read that the comments reassured you that you are not a narcissistic. I started to worry because my blog was all about me and my reaction to the world. So I found a 'self-test' for narcissistic behaviors. I scored a 0. Healthy people score higher. I learned that being concerned about your self and your child does not make you a narcissistic. There is a recognizable set of behaviors that you can check through the lists and see how you match up. I have followed your blog for a while. In my opinion, you are courageous, caring, searching adult survivor. You are a part of a group of survivors that blog and connected with each other. (upsi helped me a lot, too.) The whole analogy about soccer teams, I've been a soccer mom, Hollywood made a movie on the insanity of soccer moms, are you kidding me? (Please read that last phrase with sarcasm.) I am totally floored that anyone would use such an example for a situation discussing how an inconsiderate selfish adult used up a child's paints. It would be like the coach out on the field scoring points instead of the 5-7 year olds on the team. My opinion is that whoever wrote the comment is not healthy and not kind. Take care. Ruth
ReplyDeleteA bunch of BS!
ReplyDeletePROJECTION...Narc! Go back to your cave.
ReplyDeletePronoia A, This narc is trying to mess with your head. As they all do. That's what they do best.
Ridiculous.. As the typical N, they dont get the essence of the matter, and take 1% of what is said, and twist it into something completely and totally unrelated.
ReplyDeleteIf anything, they are revealing how stupid they actually are!!
BTW, this reminds me of a personal experience. I am NC from my mother, the last straw was her viciously carping my daughter, a baby at the time.
We ran into them by chance at the grocery store, and my daughter just took off, instinctively scared. It was 4 years later, but something didnt sit right with her, and she took off.
when I excused myself from my mothers tenticals, my daughter says, "why did you talk to them? Why didnt you call your mother stupid!, because she is!!!"
CLASSIC!!
Whoever posted this drivil is stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.
People make comments about Ns getting into others heads, but its futile effort, because no one respects their twisted thinking. They are disordered dangerous creeps, that are coming onto your board, projecting!
There are quite a few acon blogs on the net, some pretty scary. One poor woman was ranting about the hostile emails she had been sending a sibling and seemed to think she was justified, another whined about a long list of "problems" (fridge leaking, car needing work, money tight, husband was sick (not seriously) and couldn't help with the kids, how little time she had etc etc) and I couldn't help thinking they all sound a little self absorbed and immature to say the least, but we have to go through that phase while dealing with the fact we never got appropriate attention, validation, approval, that our emotions were to be bottled up, some even have to deal with years of covert and/or overt sexual abuse, so being a little self centered while healing is necessary and not a sign, IMO, that the N label applies. Plus, if you ever wonder "am I N???" then you aren't, because those monsters NEVER think there is anything wrong with the way they operate. Just my experience......
ReplyDeleteWow, the comments here kept me busy for a while. My first thought though, reading that Anon comment, is that how could a personal blog convey any meaning with being, umm, personal? Of course we focus on ourselves when we write, that's why we write, for therapy, for release, for freedom, and to feel connected to others. I agree with that last comment, if you question yourself as N, then you are most certainly not. I also get your post, that N could have a spectrum, and we all visit it from time to time, but only true Narcs stay there. Thanks for visiting my blog so I could find yours. :)
ReplyDelete