Friday, January 20, 2012

I was just a pawn in his power games

Wow. Just realized this.

When I was born, the daughter of my mother and an unknown donor, a fact no one was supposed to know, my 'father' usurped me. My mother wasn't allowed to nurse me, feed me, bathe me, clothe me, spend time with me. He was the only competent one.

Nurture was all he had, and he wanted to show her that, although I was biologically her child, and she got what she wanted after so many years of begging for it, she could never really have me. I would be 'his' child where it counted - I would be taught to worship him alone. I knew at a very early age I wasn't supposed to love my mother if I wanted to please him - and she never once supported me in any tentative moves I made towards her at moments when it was clearer than usual that he was not a stable individual.

Everyone knew he was the most loving, caring, doting father. This proved he was my real father, and then some. But it also proved to her that she lost the battle he created.

I was his. Not hers. He won. Neener neener.

Then she died.

And it was then I ceased to exist for him, except as a target for abuse. I'd tried to explain this in different ways, like getting married - but this was much later and actually the consequence of his escalating verbal abuse - I wanted to get out as soon as possible.

I was no longer useful as a pawn. He'd definitely won, so he didn't need the pawn any more.

That didn't stop him from telling people everywhere how concerned he was about me, having lost my mother and all. It didn't stop him from making heart-rending statements like "I am now both a mother and a father to her" (he was neither). It didn't stop him from still presenting a sentimental, doting, loving facade to the world.

But he stopped presenting it to me.


  1. My heart goes out to you hon. The last line of your post brought tears to my eyes. The very grimmest part of their behaviour is the sentimental 'starburst of glitz' they consistently, and with deadly aim, shower out to others. In doing this, they dazzle away any possible platform for protest and slice through lines of authentic communication with those who could have us offered us true understanding and enlightenment. It's totally crazy making. Take care, I am sending big hugs to you, sister. xxxxx

  2. I bet if he read this he wouldn't see himself in any of it. I never know how people's actions can be so far over into both ends of a spectrum and them just chug along like it is all good.
    Is self awareness in that short of supply?
    I guess the answer to that is yes.

  3. Thanks, Nyssa. I had trouble replying to this because I hate to admit to myself that I still have no emotions - I have no feelings whatsoever about all this, except relief that I don't have to think of him as the most wonderful father ever any more.

    I've blocked everything concerning my mother. My official line has been - good riddance. Whoever forfeits her relationship with her child deserves no emotions from said child. I have no debt.

    But the fact that I'm unable to muster any feelings and memories concerning my own mother is a disturbing symptom indeed.

  4. Such a cruel game. I am sorry you experienced such a switch from wonderful to not when you needed it least. The lack of feeling has a name dissociation. It is a very powerful survival tool but really sucks at living. Kind of like needing boxing gloves in a fight but still wearing the boxing gloves while you try to make dinner. Kind of a frustrating way to live. I started feeling small stuff that wasn't so connected to my life, like books and a few movies. I think response to emotions is learned just like so many other things.

  5. I've come here after a search on Amy's father, wondering if they were having narcissistic traits

    I was going to process info myself and i didn't think somebody else would have done that. So,it's a nice surprise.

    I was reacting about the lyrics of "rehab" and "tears dry on their own" : In rehab she writes, " my daddy thinks i'm fine ".

    I guess that the caring attitude would be, "if you think you've got a problem, go and they'll tell you" . But he acts like he knows best (think about my mother right now) than her and/or the people in detox center. I think that's from him (or any other people) a need to keep being perfect,the need to be right and powerful and to keep the power and control. He just can't admit and show that he doesn't really know if she should go. Or maybe he secretly thinks we can't be a big star and be sober. (can we ?)

    That's how we develop a dependant personnality wich will ask parents for opinions about what to do even before thinking by ourself what we should or want to do. (doesn't mean we can't ask after)

    and then i think also we often ask our parents , not really to know what to do. But so that they tell us we are in the best position to know what to do and to listen to ourself...

    sometimes we ask them but that's just not the good person to ask ( cause it's our parent ) and it just makes things worst in our decision process (cause they'll tell us what to do like in a way that now we doesn't want to do that way or tell us a way but then we don't want to do the other way and feel like a rebel..)

    the other thing is in the title of the song "tears dry on their own" and also in "rehab"... I think it's a phrase wich apparently explains a simple thing but deeply says a lot about the "not caring attitude";

    i just imagine a parent telling "tears dry on their own" to his crying child...

    so that was my insomniac stuff for the day

    thx and take care

    1. Sorry, this comment was supposed to be in "Amy was an ACON" article



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